Name: Sexpile.
Age: Eight years old.
Appearance: A tangle of leather and metal so labyrinthine that it’s impossible to tell where one thing ends and another begins.
I’ve been to parties like this. Listen, it was the 1970s … Oh dear, it appears that we’ve found ourselves talking at cross purposes.
Right, it’s a haemorrhoid thing. Well, that’s fine too, because I’ve also been there. Man, the 1970s … Listen, I can assure you that the absolute last thing I would ever want to hear is you telling your grotty 40-year-old swinger stories again.
Then I’m confused. What’s a sexpile? It’s some watches on a counter.
Come again? A load of watches, on a counter, that someone has photographed and uploaded to Instagram. That’s a sexpile.
Some watches. On Instagram. Nope, still don’t understand. Apparently it all started when someone from a group of New York watch enthusiasts photographed a heap of luxury watches. Legend dictates that, as she did this, she said: “That’s a sex pile. That’s just a pile of sex, of watches, and it must be termed as such.”
And then she had sex with them? No, you idiot. Nobody had sex with anything. It’s just a hashtag. It’s a way to say, “What a visual delight this is”, but specifically about watches.
Isn’t this a bit like that Douchebags of Instagram website, where people mock photos of grotesque luxury consumerism? Close, but not quite. A sex pile is an appreciation of craft, an acknowledgement of the painstaking process of manufacturing a precision timepiece by hand.
But it’s still a bit douchey, right? Oh, it’s entirely douchey. It’s hard to think of something more obnoxious than the act of taking photos of your expensive watch collection and showing it to everyone who doesn’t have an expensive watch collection.
So can we reclaim the term sexpile, then? It depends. Reclaim it for what?
It was something that happened to me 40 years ago. There was a young lady with a fondness for carpet … No. No we can’t reclaim it. They can keep it. It’s fine.
Do say: “People still wear watches? Who knew?”
Don’t say: “Here’s a photo of my walking stick collection. Hashtag Penispuddle.”
