Name: Gareth Bale
Age: 24.
Appearance: Blurry.
Yes, I often feel that way after a bank holiday weekend. You misunderstand. Bale looks blurry because he runs very fast. Or because he's being photographed through a car window by paparazzi.
What does he look like when he's standing still? A very rich, slightly shy, faintly simian Welsh footballer.
Oh, here we go. What is it this time? Racism or sex offences? Neither, I'm glad to say. He plays for Tottenham Hotspur, and he's just very, very, very good at football.
How nice for him. I'm very, very, very good at eating biscuits. I daresay, but are Real Madrid about to pay €100m (£86m) for you to go and do it in Spain?
I can't comment on speculation. In biscuit-eating, anything can happen. OK. The point is that Bale is the most expensive footballer of all time.
Wow. He must be the best player in the world! He's probably about the third best.
Oh. Why are Tottenham getting so much money for him then? Their chairman, Daniel Levy, is a legendary negotiator. Think Ben Kingsley in Sexy Beast.
And why are Real Madrid going to pay it? Their president, Florentino Pérez, is a billionaire populist who has just been re-elected to his post and needs to respond to Barcelona's signing of Neymar earlier in the summer. He also has a longstanding "galáctico" policy, which involves paying huge sums for superstar footballers such as Ronaldo, Zidane, Kaká, Figo, Beckham and the other Ronaldo.
Crikey. Real Madrid must be real rich. They are actually €590m (£507m) in debt but think they can make a profit from the deal by broadening their offer to the Asian market and leveraging Bale's image rights.
Of course. And what is his image? Ultra-clean-cut. He doesn't drink, isn't covered with tattoos, and lives quietly with his childhood sweetheart Emma Rhys-Jones and their baby daughter Alba. Whenever he scores, which is often, he sends a message to them by using his fingers to make a fiddly heart shape with his number 11 inside …
How sweet. …which he has now trademarked for use in a range of merchandise, including "whips, harness and saddlery".
How strange. Let's presume it was his agent's idea.
Do say: "Football's never been the same since Falkirk paid £5,000 for Syd Puddefoot."
Don't say: "Get your official Gareth Bale harness here! Only 900 yuan!"
