Why I love EastEnders

I shall be hurrying home tonight to watch EastEnders to see how Dirty Den, that snake in the grass, is killed off.

Den's departure is an appropriate way to mark the 20th anniversary of the soap - a surefire way to guarantee a big audience. Apparently, EastEnders needs to win back viewers, and stories have abounded about its spluttering health - poor ratings, reports of cast mutinies and widescale sackings, and complaints about boring plot lines.

But not from me. With the zeal of a late convert, I find EastEnders compulsive viewing, and only miss episodes if I am out of the country. I blame my wife for being an EastEnders nut: I only started watching because she was an avid fan (and how many times have I heard this from other men?).

Now, though, she finds it a turn-off, while I find it a turn-on. EastEnders is the one show guaranteed to make me so agitated that I frequently yell at the TV in disbelief. The characters - with one or two exceptions - are utter losers, wholly unsympathetic and unbelievably stupid, hence the show's attraction.

I tune it to see what incredibly idiotic predicaments they have created for themselves because, whenever they take a decision, it's invariably the wrong one. A case in point is Zoe Slater. First she tries to hang on to boyfriend Dennis - Dirty Den's son - by claiming she's pregnant (Dirty Den's brilliant idea). Having dug a hole for herself, she digs deeper. She then tries to get herself pregnant by agreeing to sleep with Dirty Den. The inevitable happens when Dennis walks in on the two of them in bed. Dennis leaves, and Zoe spends her time constantly snivelling. I'd feel sorry for her if she wasn't such a wimpish dolt.

The other main storyline at the moment is that of small-tine crook Andy Hunter. Too stupid to see that he's being set up by the suave Johnny, Andy is also about to get the chop. And about time, too - he's a particularly nasty piece of work, and I hope we get to see him squirm as he's sent on his way.

That is the most satisfying part of watching EastEnders - watching despicable characters such as Dirty Den and Andy Hunter getting their just desserts. Villains may get away with it in real life but, in EastEnders, they meet retribution. It may take a while – but, in the end, there is no escape.