Honestly, it's a testament to my professionalism that Lost in Showbiz has even managed to be written this week, as my eyes are so blurred with tears that I can hardly see the keyboard. But – sniff! – the (lost in) show (business) must go on.
This week, a dream I have long clutched to my bosom has died: I will never be Mrs Charlie Sheen.
Alleged abuser of women, glorifier of drugs and proud partaker of sex workers – sorry, I mean "endearing bad boy" – Charlie Sheen has confirmed this in an interview to Rolling Stone: "I've not dated girls because of their feet … hammer-toes are bad. And the second toe being too long? That's bad, too," he reveals.
"[That's] the Charlie Sheen nobody knows," Rolling Stone pants excitedly.
Yeah, well, screw you, Rolling Stone. As a possessor of said hammer-toes (as sexy as they sound), did you have to go and break my heart in pursuit of this Pulitzer prize-winning splash? I appreciate that it must have been a struggle to find anything new about Sheen that he himself has not ranted a thousand times before in order to justify your cover story, but you already had the exclusive scoop that he prefers Mila Kunis to Natalie Portman. Why go deeper? It's bad enough my crumpled toes look like they've been trampled upon. Now you've trampled on my dreams, too.
NEXT MONTH IN ROLLING STONE: Exclusive! What kind of manicure does Kevin Costner prefer?
