Name: Ruby Tandoh.
Age: 21.
Appearance: Huge eyes, pretty smile – an Athena poster of a little boy, basically.
Gosh, she is very pretty. Don't say that. Great British Bake Off fans will have your guts for garters.
What? Will they? Why? Does she have a soggy bottom? If only it were that simple. Ruby is the favourite to win this year's series of The Great British Bake Off, but she hasn't exactly won over viewers.
Why not? From what I've seen, she has been a consistently good chef. Yes, but for some reason Twitter hasn't warmed to her. She's "like Grumpy Cat with oven gloves", someone said. "A seven-year-old in a strop", opined another. Someone has even vowed to stop eating cake if Ruby wins on Tuesday, which seems excessive.
By heck, if Ruby wins I will never eat cake ever again. #GBBO
— Hannah Crellin (@hannahcrellin) October 17, 2013
But that's the internet. It has to be violently angry about everything or it dies. What exactly has Ruby done wrong? There have been accusations that she is getting preferential treatment from Paul Hollywood, on the basis that he fancies her.
Really? Are we all six years old now? There's also the fact that she exhibits an excessive amount of false modesty at times. Plus she sometimes wears a denim jacket when she bakes things.
Oh, a denim jacket! Why didn't you say? Let's burn her at the stake. At least Ruby is taking it well – she recently called her critics: "Trolls [who] wallow in festering oceans of bile."
@Mc_Clareies Thank you :) leave the trolls to wallow in festering oceans of bile while we rejoice in world of a world of sweetness & cake
— Ruby Tandoh (@rubytandoh) October 18, 2013
This is all getting very nasty. Do people not know that this is a television series about cakes? It's more that that now. It's getting twice as many viewers as any other BBC2 show, and it will be on BBC1 next year. This is serious stuff.
Anyway, would Ruby be a worthy winner? Undecided. She has made some brilliant cakes, but last week she presented one that looked like a drunk child's drawing of a derelict house. Perhaps Kimberley is the one to beat.
Kimberley? Does Paul Hollywood fancy her as well? Kimberley? Oh, totally. He's even said as much. That Paul Hollywood. He's incorrigible.
Do say: "You just hate me because I'm beautiful."
Actually, don't say: "You just hate me because I'm beautiful." It makes you sound like Samantha Brick.
