Dear Coleen
Our 11-year-old daughter started high school in September and it’s as if she’s changed into someone else entirely.
She’s started swearing a lot, talking back and not doing anything we ask her to do.
She won’t go to bed on time and she won’t get off her phone or iPad when I ask her to. It’s like she’s reverted to being a toddler, but can now answer back and some of the things she says to my husband and me are so upsetting.
She’s told us to f*** off, she’s called us rubbish parents, she keeps comparing us to her friends’ parents, who are apparently brilliant and give their kids allowances for clothes and other things.
I’m at my wits’ end with it because nothing I say or do makes any difference. If I take away her devices, she just sulks in her room and refuses to talk to us. I eventually give them back because it’s the only way to get her to do anything.
My husband and I have started to argue over it, too – I have a go at him for giving in to her too easily and he thinks I need to choose my battles and not nag her about everything.
Is this normal at 11? I thought we were at least a couple of years away from teenage battles and meltdowns.
Coleen says
Oh no, I think when they go to ‘big school’, as we used to call it, all of a sudden they think they know it all and can do exactly what they want. Look, she’s pushing boundaries and testing you to see how far she can go.
First of all, so what if she sulks when you take away her devices? Don’t give them back, even if it takes weeks for her to recognise where she’s going wrong.
You have to be tough but, equally, remain calm without shouting and screaming.
She has to accept the house rules and that treating each other with respect is at the top of the list.
Also, invite her to tell you how she feels and let her get it off her chest.
If she has a go at you, you can say you’re sorry she feels that way, but the reason you’re being tough is because you love her and want her to grow up to respect other people.
But stop arguing with your hubby over it, especially in front of your daughter. You have to agree on a strategy together and stick to it.
Finally, check in with her school. Make sure there’s nothing going on to make her feel stressed and cause her to act up at home.
