Tall, strapping blonde, liberal about urination etiquette but very conservative otherwise, fond of an outdoorsy life, food, EastEnders, loves to sing, GSOH, WLTM two young men with kangeroo testicles to spice up television career prospects (maybe more...)
Remarkably, I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here managed to start, develop, have several crises and end without managing to tickle my tellybone at all, instead flitting across my frontal cortex like a butterfly in a jungle - brightly coloured and certainly noticable, but with nary the knack of making any actual dent on my world at all.
Still, all butterflies have their effect - chaos theory etc - the unfortunate effect of the I'm a Celebrity butterfly being that we're now going to have to deal with at least a year of hopeful pilots made by dim-witted has-beens looking for their promised comeback. Still, if it means that Carol Thatcher gets to star in some cheap Christmas campaign for an even cheaper supermarket, then it'll all have been worth it, right?
Still, it's over now, and tonight is jam-packed with art, dating, drugs and French people bonking. Intrigued? You should be - read just what you shouldn't be missing with our picks of tonight's TV, taken from this week's Guide...
Brian Sewell's Grand Tour 7.15pm, Five There are plums less plummy than Brian Sewell, whose imitable tones mean he gets to front programmes like this, yomping across Italy in the footsteps of those 18th-century young men who did the so-called Grand Tour. He commences this edition with a truculent pop at the medium of TV ("one wants to meander but one cannot"), turns his nose up at a Chianti ("like red ink and urine") but perks up as he reaches Siena, with its magnificently ornate cathedral facade, in whose square he sits beneath a preposterous umbrella.
David Stubbs
Secrets of the Dating Agency: Revealed 8pm, Five A social history of a particularly western form of arranged marriages. This documentary reveals some of the stories to come out of the 70-year-old institution. When the first bureau was started by Heather Jenner, it was widely assumed to be a front for prostitution or adultery. Now we don't care if they are. Yes, "stepping out" has changed with the times: to accommodate our attention deficit disorders, we've now invented speed-dating.
Clare Birchall
One Life 10.35pm, BBC1 A 33-year-old doctor, who has never been through puberty, gets a crash course in adolescence. Because of a condition that prevents him from producing enough testosterone, Lawrence has the body of a 12-year-old. The treatment induces puberty in a matter of hours, and turns him from a boy into a man in days. He misses out on sulking in his room with noisy music, but you're unlikely to meet anyone so happy about getting an erection.
Martin Skegg
The Dresser 9am, Sky Cinema 2 Adapted by Ronald Harwood from his own play, the story of grandiloquent Shakespearean actor Albert Finney's crack-up while on a wartime tour of Britain. It's a meaty role for Finney, rarely changing gear from rant and rage, and there's similar scope for Tom Courtenay in the title role, as the camp, eunuch-like servant who massages his ego. The performances are theatrical, to say the least, but both men were nominated for Oscars. Based on Harwood's real-life experiences with Donald Wolfit.
Phil Howlett
Weeds 10pm, Sky One Nancy, having made her illegal bed, is certainly learning to lie in it. Although an average day of work for the soccer mom who caters to those trying to score more than goals involves being blackmailed by cops and harassed by rival dealers, Nancy is undeterred. Her business is growing and proceedings are getting decidedly more mafia-esque, except Nancy is more godmother than father. But this tough cookie is no fairy. Last in the series -- worth catching just for a great twist at the end.
Clare Birchall
Swimming Pool (Francois Ozon, 2003) 2.45am, Sky Cinema 2 It's difficult to imagine a more stereotypically French film. A cast of unpleasant, self-absorbed characters regard each other with poetic contempt, while the audience's will to live is maintained by regular injections of lovingly shot softcore porn, most of which features a dazzlingly beautiful young woman -- Ludivine Sagnier, in her brief run as 2003's Beatrice Dalle -- enthusiastically humping a series of unprepossessing middle-aged men. Looking on, with a mix of disgust and envy, is unwilling holiday home-mate Charlotte Rampling, playing a prim, washed-up novelist, continually distracted by headboards battering against walls in the night. Weirdly, much less fun than all that sounds.
Andrew Mueller
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