Every week when I was a child, in a very predicatable way, my mother would propose an exciting surprise expedition to me. Filled with joy and with the apparent memory of an inbred carp, I would trot along happily, only to find myself on a much-hated supermarket trip and in a bad mood 10 minutes later.
And that's probably part of the reason I've always found programmes that prey on the gullible uncomfortable to watch - because I know that I'm one of them - they're my people. Which is why it's going to be hard to get properly stuck in to Space Cadets (C4, 9pm) without spending quite a lot of time wincing and hiding behind a cushion.
Still, needs must when the Guide says "we'll all be watching" (and there's a feature about it from this week's issue here to boot). And you never know, perhaps I'll even find solace at the fact that there are people out there more stupid than myself. Well, maybe a little bit more stupid. A tiny weeny ... Oh, forget it, here are the picks of tonight's telly, taken from that very same sage publication as mentioned above...
Rome 9pm, BBC2 Tonight Vorenus (Kevin McKidd) and Pullo (the one that looks like Clooney) are marooned in the Adriatic Sea and it takes near dehydration and a disgusting plan get them back to dry land. Their good cop/badder cop continues, coming to a head when they bump into Pompey. Brilliant political drama, still worth getting into, even if you've missed the first few.
Danielle Proud
Space Cadets 9pm, C4 Johnny Vaughan fronts an audacious new reality show. Applicants are shipped off to Russia for intensive training, before being blasted into space. Except that they're not. They're taken to a disused military base in the UK and duped into thinking they're in Russia. And then space. Will a computer simulation be convincing? Why not dangle little green men in front of the windows? We'll all be watching though.
Julia Raeside
Imagine: Chuck Close 10.40pm, BBC1 Alan Yentob journeys to the New York studio of Close, who's "single-handedly reinvented the portrait" over the past 40 years. Inspired by his father's purchase of an oil-painting kit, he overcame what was later diagnosed as severe dyslexia to explore the human face, creating portraiture which the now quadriplegic Close describes as "driving photographers crazy". As his latest self-portrait is hung at the National Portrait Gallery, he explains, "I've always put rocks in my shoes." JH
Mark Mardell's Euro Blog 9.05pm, BBC4 Mardell, the BBC's chief political correspondent, cleaves to the novel view that the EU is not a cesspit of incompetence and corruption whose machinations are as interesting as watching planks warp, but a deeply fascinating enterprise. This voyage to Belgium, Turkey, Finland, Luxembourg and Estonia is his effort to make his case. The EU, as Mardell sees it, is poised on the verge of crucial decisions: to be a high-taxing welfare state or a flat-taxing free market, and whether or not to admit Turkey, thereby extending the EU's borders to Iran and Iraq, who may not be ideal neighbours.
Andrew Mueller
2046 (Kar Wai Wong, 2004) 10pm, Film Four After the streamlined In The Mood For Love, Kar Wai Wong was given a free ride to do whatever he wanted. This sprawling semi-sequel took years of tinkering to finish, but the end result actually benefits from the uneven feel. Tony Leung returns as a lovelorn writer. This time his perception flits between reality and a futuristic fantasy he writes that incorporates and expands upon his own life. The title refers to both the farflung year of his imagination and a room number. It's a time, a place, even a feeling. Gorgeous to look at -- particularly the sequences set on a hi-tech train -- it's a rewarding ride even if the destination remains unclear.
Phelim O'Neill
Lost 11pm, E4 Tonight's like an episode of ER. Boone is fighting for his life after falling from the heroin-laden plane and is in desperate need of a blood transfusion. Jack is torn between this helpless patient and running off to Claire's aid, miles away on the beach. She's finally gone into labour. Meanwhile, love's young dream -- Sayid and the thoroughly pointless Shannon -- go on a romantic picnic. Can't the monster eat her tonight? She's so boring.
Danielle Proud
______________________________
Of course, you know, I will watch it. Or I should, at any cost. But still, the siren song of Numb3rs is a strong one. No... nooooooo ... must ... resist ... catastophically conceived cop show...
Oh, what's the point, I know I can't resist it - why bother trying?
