What you can expect to happen in any given episode of House:
1) Someone gets ill! No one knows what is wrong! 2) It is decided that only House (Hugh Laurie) can cure the patient. He doesn't want to take them on. Someone tricks him into taking them on. Hurrah! 3) A tentative diagnosis is made. The patient looks like they might get better. 4) The patient gets worse! Everyone panics. House pops some painkillers. 5) No one knows what to do. There is general discussion, and some possible personal issues get thrown around. 6) House sees some patients in the free clinic, which he hates. Suddenly, he realises that one of the clinic patients holds the key for his difficult patient! 7) House cures the difficult patient! And the clinic patients! Everyone likes House! 8) House doesn't like anybody. 9) House goes to talk to the patient he has saved, perhaps for the first time. They share a moment. Then he says something grumpy yet incisive and somewhat telling about the human condition. Ends
But nevertheless, it is brilliant. The pace is snappy, the dialogue well-written, sharp, funny and not as patronising as it mightbe. Mostly, Hugh Laurie is caustic, growling and damnably sexy. I mean, sexy? Hugh Laurie? Where did that come from?
The second series starts tonight on Channel Five. And comes highly recommended by all of the people who know best about these kind of things. And me. You should watch it. Unless you are one of those people proud not to have a television, in which case you shouldn't. Or, of course, you want to watch something else instead. In which case you should do that. And what should you watch? Well, there's plenty of things, just some of which can be found in the picks of tonight's TV, taken from this week's Guide.
Hotel Babylon 9pm, BBC1 Terrible drama series inspired by the Imogen Edwards-Jones book. Tamzin Outhwaite and Max Beesley star. She's the hotel manager, he's her ambitious head receptionist. Dexter Fletcher is a cheeky bellhop. Despite swooshing cameras and nifty editing, it's as much fun as staying in a youth hostel. In Hull. Tonight, a rock band checks in and drinks herbal tea. Beesley goes for the deputy manager's job. Tamzin tosses her impressive mane. Couldn't be duller.
Julia Raeside
Eleventh Hour 9pm, ITV1 Patrick Stewart is special government advisor Ian Hood. Along with bodyguard Rachel Young (babyfaced Ashley Jensen from Extras) they investigate ne'er-do-wells and calamities in the world of science, like deadly viruses and that. In tonight's opener, the grisly discovery of a field of foetuses leads to a mysterious Italian baby cloner named Gepetto (do you see?). Reasonably diverting, expensive-looking stuff, but sadly, unlike Stewart's threatened series premise in Extras, he doesn't also boast the ability to remove skimpy clothing through the power of telekinesis.
Ali Catterall
House 10pm, Five Maybe because it's on Five instead of C4 or BBC, but the first series of House didn't seem quite to connect with Brit audiences. If there's any justice, season two's terrific opener should change that situation, as painkiller-addicted genius House treats a death row inmate (LL Cool J). It's an episode that shows off all that's best about the series: particularly the taut, bleakly funny script (House taking his lunch in a coma patient's room so he can watch the telly) and Hugh Laurie's charismatic (really) performance as a medic with the bedside manner of an audience-baiting comedian.
Jonathan Wright
Counter Culture 10pm, BBC4 Shopping and consumerism as the defining social activity of the modern age? Not a new thesis, but Wallpaper* founder Tyler Brûlé is well qualified to investigate how retail culture shapes us. First stop is Russia, where the rich top the league table of conspicuous consumption (more Bentleys are sold in here than anywhere in Europe). Perhaps because they've only had the last two decades to discover the delights of retail therapy, Russians seem most keen to buy up all the brands they can, even if they have to starve for them. Even Brûlé is in awe of their consumerism.
Martin Skegg
Boston Legal 10pm, LivingTV This week, William Shatner and James Spader head to Canada for some rest, relaxation and fishing -- well, their characters do. Since these TV lawyers can't get out of bed without suing someone, they become embroiled in a case where salmon farming is causing natural salmon stocks to die out, thanks to sea lice. This episode actually caused a mini-furore when the Canadian Tourist Board proposed then axed a series of high-profile newspaper ads to assuage public fears over this environmental issue. Worth watching for that and the look Shatner gives when he hears of a type of fish called "clingons".
Phelim O'Neill
Rich Hall's Cattle Drive 11pm, BBC4 "The west will always be there. It just keeps shifting," says Rich Hall to trusty sidekick Mike Wilmot as they look out over the wilds of southwest England. The pair are living out a cowboy fantasy by driving a herd of cattle from London to Wales on stolen horses. Hot on their trail is the ecologically aware gun-for-hire U Horst Nightmare, who tonight gets caught in a civil war re-enactment while Hall and Wilmot deal with the fact that English country land tends to be privately owned. With Sin City by the Flying Burrito Brothers on the soundtrack, this is perfect comedy for anyone with outlaw fantasies.
Will Hodgkinson
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Oh NO - House is on at the same time as Boston Legal! Hmm. Not a problem. You know, I've never been so glad before the channels seem to have taken to repeating things randomly throughout the week. Hurrah for January. Hurrah for hibernation.
