Well, let's face it, it's Tuesday night, and it's horrible, so why would you go anywhere but the sofa? Besides, you'd be a statistical anachronism if you did. According to the Office of National Statistics and their Social Trends 2006 survey, nine out of 10 British people watch television almost every day of the week - so it's a statistical probabilty that whatever you're doing tonight, it may well involve the gogglebox. It may, in fact, involve several, if you're among the one in 10 British homeowners with more than five TVs in the house. And it may, overall, involve you and the television, mano a mano (or mano a TiVo, depending if any of your programmes clash) for up to seven hours. That's right. One in 10 Brits prefers to spend time watching television for seven or more hours a day. (The other nine prefer Pedigree Chum, I think.)
Let's say you watched seven hours of television yesterday - well, that would have been four Buffys, a dose of Stingray and five Groenings (at least) without even leaving Sky One. Or, imagining you were in a serious frame of mind, you might have torn up your Monday with Dispatches (anti-terror laws), Bodyshock (baby with two heads), one hour-long news, two half-hour news, a programme about a South American dam, the FA Cup Draw, Film 2006, and, oh I don't know, Masterchef Goes Large or something. You know, put like that, seven hours doesn't seem like that much, does it?
Yes. Yes, it does, you're right. Still, though - you'd be surprised. If you were to watch all of our picks of the day for tonight's TV, that would almost be your seven hours right there - and that's just the good stuff! So you've got to ask yourself: seven hours - too much? Or not nearly enough?
Find out the scientific way. With our picks of the day, taken from this week's Guide.
Selling Yourself 8pm, Five Required viewing for anyone who goes to pieces at a job interview - just to see how bad it could be. This week the hopefuls are going for an account executive position at McCann-Erickson ad agency. The format is familiar (shove the victims in front of a sceptical panel), but for once it is appropriate - it's a job interview after all. The experts (obligatory ball-breaker and no-nonsense tough guy) appear to be playing parts for the camera, but they also seem to know what they are doing. Just hope they're not there at your next interview.
Martin Skegg
Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares 9pm, C4 To Nantwich, where Maura's nest egg, Oscars, is haemorrhaging two grand a week. Appropriately, it's the pursuit of the inedible, with Maura's son and head chef Lenin slopping out dishes like vinegary, egg-less carbonaras and "ribs braised in Coca-Cola". Yet if Lenin had stuck to soft drinks in the kitchen, he wouldn't have been rushed to hospital halfway through the programme with a serious sauce problem of his own. As everyone cracks up, Gordon cracks down.
Ali Catterall
Shameless 10pm, C4 It's all about Frank and Sheila's wedding tonight. Sheila's having a conservatory built but totally wigs out when the builders start to put in the foundations. "No digging!" Frank and Veronica get a nasty shock when they go looking for what lies beneath. Debbie's being stalked by a small boy, so she uses him to acquire a knockout bridesmaid dress. Lip tries to be a better dad to Mandy's tiddler but can see himself turning into mini-Frank. The wedding looks to be in mild peril. But this is Shameless. It's got to end with a party.
Julia Raeside
Art From The Arctic 9pm, BBC4 Inspiring film about the Cape Farewell Expedition to the Arctic. Brainchild of David Buckland, the trip takes artists, writers and choreographers to encourage them to raise awareness about global warming. The likes of Ian McEwan, Rachel Whiteread and Antony Gormley are eloquent about their adventure in relation to our planet's future. Some of the artists get stuck in actually on the glacier, while others sit back quietly allowing the landscape to enter them in ways that will become evident only later. Take a trip to the Tate to see Whiteread's installation for an example of Arctic-inspired art.
Clare Birchall
Rodeo World 10pm, Discovery "You think football players are tough? Come play with us," quips Brazilian two-time PBR World Champion bullrider Adriano Morales. Although even Dubya could understand the rules of "the fastest growing professional sport in America" -- stay on for eight seconds, win a big belt buckle and $1m -- "it's not if you get hurt, but when, and how bad." This 10-part series follows three riders, Morales, Aussie insurgent Brendon Clark, and upcoming good old boy JW Hart, through a season, promising to be spectacularly stupid but supremely entertaining throughout.
Joss Hutton
Chappelle's Show 10.10pm, FX Introducing himself as "the next black comedian to get his own show" Dave Chappelle's comedy makes its mark by taking a basic premise then giving it a thorough working through. This week he takes the fairly obvious realisation that the law treats crack-dealers and executive criminals very differently, but wraps in sketches that are howlingly funny and smart. Charlie Murphy steals the show, again, with one of his true Hollywood stories. This week Charlie tells of how he learned a valuable lesson in humility when he and his cronies were challenged to a basketball game by Prince And The Revolution -- "the shirts against the blouses!"
Phelim O'Neill
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Oh. I did my sums wrong. Right, well in order to experience the seven-hour-TV lifestyle phenomenon in full, you'll need to watch CSI, but that's fine, isn't it, and ... Oh. Masterchef Goes Large. Sorry about that.
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