Going to Glastonbury tomorrow?
Then quick! Watch all the television you can before it's cruelly ripped away from your TV-loving eyes. Get your fix in while you can - watch it all. Quality? Feh! Watch it! Who cares what's on?
Well, we do, actually. We care.
And just to prove that we care, we hereby bring you the top picks for this evening's television from this week's Guide...
Nelson's Trafalgar 9pm, BBC1 Two centuries on from Nelson's most famous victory, Michael Portillo asks how "an ordinary man with extraordinary gifts" became a national icon. Nelson was made captain aged just 20. His superiors' faith was justified. Nelson's direct yet delegating approach — have the nerve to get close to the enemy and trust your officers — revolutionised naval warfare. There's something of the county set slumming it about Portillo's presentational style, but he's adept at drawing out interviewees, while the script has some nicely macabre details: after Trafalgar, Nelson's body was pickled in French brandy for its journey back to Blighty.
Jonathan Wright
Imagine... Fantastic Mr Dahl 10.40pm, BBC1 Heralding the opening of the Roald Dahl museum later this month, Alan Yentob presents this feature on one of the few children's writers whose books really do stand up alongside the best of adult literature, chiefly because of Dahl's malevolent wit and abundant imagination. Former wives Patricia Neal and Felicity Dahl, children, grandchildren (including supermodel Sophie) and the illustrator Quentin Blake are among those adding to a portrait of a difficult, brilliant man.
Will Hodgekinson
The Apprentice USA 11.20pm, BBC2 A moratorium on the phrase "Oh… my… God" is sorely overdue but it'll have to be postponed until everyone's had a chance to catch the first in this new series of the Donald Trump-fronted series. Another provocatively rancid cavalcade of posturing, over-polished young gogetters vie to be top of the capitalist bastard heap under the aegis of Trump and his scaly sidekicks. You won't just want them to be fired, you'll want them thrown on an actual fire.
David Stubbs
The L Word 10pm, LivingTV The first-ever lesbian drama series never cracks under the responsibility of representation. Unpalatable issues aren't avoided and characters have the freedom to be unkind. Only stereotypes are actively shunned — out go the dungarees, hairy armpits, and earnest politics, in come catwalk collections, Brazilian waxes and irony. A cultish cast (including Pam Grier and Jennifer Beals) is supported by equally interesting special guests who are put to good narrative use: Sandra Bernhard as Jenny's caustic writing teacher, and Jane Lynch (from the hilarious Best In Show) as Tina's new highpowered lawyer.
Clare Birchall
And, of course if you are going to Glastonbury, you'll be wanting to watch all the Big Brother you can (BigBrother's Little Brother, 5.25pm, C4; Big Brother, 10pm, C4; Big Brother Live from 12.25am, C4, and on E4 the rest of the time, or so it seems), because whatever other things there may be at Glastonbury, there certainly won't be any Big Brother. No Big Brother at all.
Now stop that, the rest of you. You can't change your mind and go to the festival now. Tickets sold out ages ago. You should have thought of that before.
