In the good old days, when it always rained and no one liked cricket (last year, basically), the raining off of an afternoon's session meant that you might, if you were lucky, get nine more repeats of Friends, or perhaps a crappy TV movie starring Lt Templeton "Faceman" Peck. Now, though, we're all supposed to love cricket, which means that even when they can't show the live stuff because it's raining too much, they still show cricket. Old cricket, that no one even cares about any more.
Just saying, like, because that's what they'll do all weekend, if the weather stays like this. And, according to the people round here who like cricket, that's a good thing - they'll be really happy if they don't have any new sport to watch all weekend because it'll mean that they win. Or something. Oh who cares.
There's a whole heap to watch tonight that isn't even vaguely connected to bloody sport - watch those instead with the help of our picks of the day, from this week's Guide and today's Guardian.
Twenty Thousand Streets Under the Sky 9pm, BBC2 At the Midnight Bell pub, Bob the waiter saves his money and dreams of bettering himself. Then Bob falls for prostitute Jenny and his life begins to unravel. The first episode in a three-part adaptation of Patrick Hamilton's novel of 1930s London is understated and bittersweet. That these are pinched, difficult, even tragic lives is never in doubt, but we're also offered glimpses into the characters' hopes and dreams. The remaining episodes will focus on the stories of Jenny and, hopelessly besotted with Bob, barmaid Ella. Featuring excellent performances from Bryan Dick, Sally Hawkins, Zoe Tapper and Phil Davis.
Jonathan Wright
Swinging 10pm, Five A sketch show focusing on love and sex in modern Britain, with recurring characters such as the snobby doggers (they won't do it with just anyone). The cast includes Jo Joyner (No Angels) and Ella Kenion (The Catherine Tate Show).
Jonathan Wright
Friday Night With Jonathan Ross 10.35pm, BBC1 JR's consistently entertaining chat show returns for another run. Joan Rivers, Helen Mirren (soon to star as Elizabeth I over on 4) and Jack Dee provide yapping, while music comes from the Black Eyed Peas.
Jonathan Wright
Moments That Shook Sport 9pm, Sky One This clip-fest looks at the largely unsavoury occasions when sport has decamped from the back page to the front. The news, as this programme sees it, is never good. Among the incidents to be dwelt on are Ayrton Senna's death at the 1994 San Marino Grand Prix, the murder of Israeli athletes at the Munich Olympics in 1972, the stabbing of Monica Seles by a deranged fan, the kidnapping of Shergar, the disgrace of Ben Johnson, and Mike Tyson chomping on Evander Holyfield's ear. If Sky made a programme about good sportsmanship and outstanding fair play, would anyone watch?
Andrew Mueller
The Calcium Kid (Alex de Rakoff, 2004) 8pm, Sky Movies1 This spoof documentary about a no-hoper from south London taking on the top boxer in the world has a lot of underdog charm, but it is too obvious to really work. Orlando Bloom plays Jimmy "The Calcium Kid" Connolly, a milkman who steps into the ring, despite never having fought a match, after his trainer's star fighter breaks his hand and has to pull out of a bout with championship boxer Jose Mendez. Connolly is simply too nice a guy to say no, and with the help of his slightly dodgy best friend and some love interest from Billie, he sort-of makes it to the top. Bloom is very good as the hapless Calcium Kid but the script could have done with a bit more subtlety. Followed by more boxing action, with Against The Ropes (9.45pm), featuring Meg Ryan as a female promoter trying to make it in a (sweaty) man's world.
Will Hodgkinson
The Green Green Grass 8.30pm, BBC1 Sadly, it'd seem that Boycie (John Challis) and Marlene (Sue Holderness) aren't complex enough characters to power John Sullivan's belated, almost inexplicable creative return to the realm of his very own national institution, Only Fools And Horses. Sullivan's juices only seem to flow when Del and Rodney get a mention during a one-off appearance from Peckham face Denzil (Paul Barber), who warns Boycie of the impending release of the notorious Driscoll brothers, thus prompting an unexpected (especially by Marlene) move to deepest Shropshire. From first evidence, file this under criminally unfunny.
Joss Hutton
The Truth About Susannah & Trinny 9pm, Five Just how did Trinny and Susannah rise to the lofty heights of being able to tell the nation what not to wear? Clips of their first-ever TV appearance might help solve the mystery.
Richard Vine
And yes, it's true, the Guardian will be changing size and design from Monday, but the picks of the day's TV will remain. Our daily jaunts here will be little affected by tthe Berliner (the new size of paper), except that they'll all be written in German. Hope that's ok.
