You remember I mentioned that Sky One "The Hundred Best Top 10 Things I Love About The 1990s... Ever!" aberration last week? Don't worry if you don't, I've tried to erase it from my memory, too.
Anyway, I watched it on and off, in a "flicking around desperately trying to find anything else to watch" kind of way, and noticed that of all the shameful secrets of the nineties (that's what it was called, Shameful Secrets of the 90s, so you know to avoid any repeats) - of all the shameful secrets, not one of them seemed to be List Shows, which I would have thought would have been in there for sure. Still if you had a list show complaining about list shows, television might actually disappear up its own fundament, in a wild Derridean vortex event. That would have been fabulous, if only because it would have avoided the dawning of the appalling Celebrity Golf monstrosity All Star Cup, which starts tomorrow. Celebrity golf. Kill me now.
Still, tomorrow is another day. You can go out tomorrow - in fact, you probably should. But for tonight, there's plenty to watch, and you can find out exactly what, in our picks of the day from this week's Guide and today's paper.
Tales From The Green Valley 7.30pm, BBC2 "A vanished world from a forgotten time" neatly surmises the considerable charms of the Valley, the 17th-century farm on the Welsh borders where five hand-picked experts are spending a year partying like it's 1620. Thankfully lacking the obligatory moaning teens, the egg-headed farmers' daily lives are centred upon the pure tasks of sowing, reaping, slaughtering, and cooking. It's now October, and the historians-in-action must get a roof on the cowshed before winter strikes.
Joss Hutton
Meet The Magoons 9.30pm, C4 Glasgow's Spice Restaurant management gears up for a stag party of 37, while Alan, the volatile chef, will only be placated by a big bowl of Angel Delight. Will someone please explain how and why this was commissioned? Sorry, but this is really unfunny. Writer and Comedy Lab veteran Singh Kohli probably has better material on the backburner but it's difficult to judge with one-liners like "Well fuck you too — and I don't mean the Irish rock band either!"
Ali Catterall (or alternatively) The Glaswegian curry house staffed by incompetents finds itself hosting a party of 37 men having "a pre-nuptial supper club" type of entertainment. That's how Nitin (Nitin Ganatra) has to describe the stag party in order to persuade his demonic chef (Moray Hunter) to cook. Things are beginning to settle down in the manic sitcom, and the interplay between the four lads is very amusing, particularly in their weekly singalong in the car.
Mary Novakovich
Bromwell High 11.20pm, C4 It's smart, rude, bloody funny, and audaciously written and performed. Is anybody watching? This week Asbo-magnet Keisha is made head prefect in a misguided attempt to curb her sociopathic tendencies, while Martin the maths teacher undergoes a terrifying mid-life crisis. Favourite characters? Graeme Garden's venal geography teacher Mr Bibby and Gavin, the painfully right-on RE teacher. "In many ways, we are all worshipping one god." "I'm a Hindu, sir." "Get out."
Ali Catterall
America's Sweethearts (Joe Roth, 2001) 9pm, E4 Another big Hollywood romedy that's based on the concept of Julia Roberts being an ugly duckling waiting to be noticed. She's the sister of, and PR to, "actress" Catherine Zeta Jones, promoting her latest film by pretending to rekindle an affair with John Cusack (who now hates her). But guess who he really likes? Billy Crystal's the publicist cooking up the romance (surely this would never happen in the real Hollywood —where do they get these ideas?); Hank "Huff" Azaria, Stanley Tucci and Christopher Walken are all in there too. Passable Friday fluff if you're in the mood. Richard Vine
Cambridge Folk Festival 9pm, BBC4 With folk going through one of its periodic revivals at the moment thanks to people like the Fence Collective and Willy Mason reminding people of the joys of acoustic guitars, it's a good time to check in with this stalwart of the calendar — now in its 41st year. KT Tunstall's on new-school duties, with Kate Rusby, Jimmy Webb and Karine Polart making for an interesting spread.
Richard Vine
Highwaymen (Robert Harmon, 2004) 10pm, Sky Movies 2 Howlingly dreadful slasher road movie, surely only being broadcast because someone at the channel concerned harbours an obscure grudge against director Robert Harmon, and is determined not to let him evade his responsibility for this drivel. The plot, such as it is, concerns a disabled serial killer who uses a gruesomely customised Cadillac as a murder weapon, and a vigilante in an equally pimped-out vintage Plymouth who chases him across America. Connoisseurs of former next-big-thing starlets may enjoy the performance of Rhona Mitra as the stereotypical shrieking underclad female, but there is really no reason why any sane person should watch this. Unmitigated hogwash.
Andrew Mueller
In the Footsteps of Churchill 8pm, BBC2 At the age of 16, Winston Churchill prophesied two major things: one, that the world soon would go through great turmoil and two, that it would be he who would save the British empire. Presenter Richard Holmes isn't too astonished at such confidence: all he has to do is to go to Churchill's birthplace, Blenheim Palace, to see how one could feel such a sense of importance.
Mary Novakovich
Coast 9pm, BBC2 Nicholas Crane and his team discover a wealth of history and wildly differing fortunes as they travel the 209 miles from Robin Hood's Bay in Yorkshire to the Wash in Norfolk. Smuggling sustained the people of Robin Hood's Bay for 200 years, and the village remains a very pretty place. Skegness, rather unfairly, still gets laughed at, although it was there that Butlins launched its first holiday camp in 1936. In Grimsby, meanwhile, the declining fishing industry has forced the town to concentrate on fish-processing instead.
Mary Novakovich
Celebrity Golf indeed. I don't even like watching people who are professional golfers play golf, why would I take the time to watch a bunch of people who I can't even stand when they're doing what they're supposedly 'good at'?
