It's here, everyone! It's here!
The long long wait is over, everyone, and now, for two whole weeks it's just you, your remote control, and the Winter Olympics. So yes of course it's Friday night, and you could be out with your friends, or relaxing with colleagues, or kicking back with your homies, or going to something cultural, or mentally stimulating, or otherwise highbrowly-fun ...
But why would you?! Because you could equally be sitting at home, on a tea tray, wearing oversized goggles and an undersized lycra body stocking, drinking schnapps and eating... (what does one eat in Italian apres ski? I think possibly Hob Nobs) ... eating Hob Nobs, with all the windows wide open while under-developed, stage-parented, shrink-wrapped skaters zip about with flames on their heads. Ah, the four-hour celebration of dull-but-kitsch that is an Olympic opening ceremony. Brilliant, simply brilliant.
What's that you say? Want to watch television tonight, but don't like sport? Well, much I might stay here and argue that the Winter Olympics is sport for people who don't like sport, I'll bow to your proclivities and provide you herewith with tonight's other TV picks of the day (taken, as always, from this week's Guide) ...
Winter Olympics Opening Ceremony 6pm, BBC2 Ice, ice baby... Get ready for the "Sparks of Passion" who will be skating around the Turin stadium with flames coming out of their helmets to get the 20th games under way. This year's event coverage starts tomorrow, with the BBC's new StroMotion stroboscoping and SimulCam effects being put to good use on sports such as the Skeleton (aka Olympic Tea Tray).
Richard Vine
The IT Crowd 9.30pm, C4 More galumphing daftery from the basement of Reynholm Industries, where Roy, Moss and Jen dwell like happy trolls in gurgling foolitude. This week Roy and Moss convince themselves that women only want to go out with "bullies and thugs", and place a suitable lonely hearts ad online ("I'm going to murder you, you bloody woman. PS No dogs." What would their serial killer nickname be? "The Gardener," thinks Moss, "as I'd always leave a rose at the murder scene." "And your murder weapon?" "A hammer."
Ali Catterall
My Name Is Earl 10pm, C4 Why, asks Earl's ex, Joy, hasn't he made any amends to her yet? Thus begins Earl's quest to find a duplicate for a "fancy figurine" that he destroyed. Not easy. It turns out the figurine was a prize at the Prettiest Pretty Princess Pageant and can't be bought. What unfurls, in glorious absurdity, is a tale of Earl becoming assistant to an anklebiter knife-thrower, a job that enables him to pass on valuable life experience when it comes to wounds inflicted with sharp steel: "It only really hurts when you twist it, pull it out and stick it back in."
Jonathan Wright
Folk Britannia 9pm, BBC4 In the early 1960s, folk began to evolve. While the purist, political stance of Ewan MacColl still carried great influence, a new breed was emerging. Their arrival was heralded by the extraordinary guitar experiments of Davy Graham (above), their abiding influence was confirmed (with the benefit of hindsight) when Bob Dylan and Paul Simon sought out the new wave's leading light, Martin Carthy, on visits to the UK. This exemplary music series continues with another clutch of revealing interviews, including Robyn Hitchcock's seemingly left-of-everything assertion that Steeleye Span of All Around My Hat fame were the UK's Velvet Underground on account of the two bands sharing an "icy, medieval, night-time sound". Weirdly, he's got a point.
Jonathan Wright
The Lawless Heart (Tom Hunsinger, Neil Hunter, 2001) 11pm, BBC3 Now that Bill Nighy's star has finally risen, perhaps this excellent little drama will get the attention it deserves. Nighy (on his usual form) is one of three main characters whose interweaving stories spiral out from the funeral of an Essex restaurateur -- the other two being the dead man's boyfriend (Tom Hollander), and an old mate (Douglas Henshall). With a clever structure, intelligent script and excellent performances, this achieves a satisfying depth.
Steve Rose
Masters Of Horror 11pm, Bravo John "Halloween" Carpenter's Cigarette Burns is tonight's instalment of this spooky compilation series, mining similar territory to Japanese evil video tape chiller Ring or Paul Auster's Book Of Illusions. Here, we follow rare film buff Norman Reedus as he's hired by sinister Udo Kier to track down the only copy of a film so unbearably scary it left several members of its preview audience dead, and the rest covered in blood. Nice. Takes the idea of obsessive fandom to a suitably extreme conclusion.
Richard Vine
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Ooooooh, will you look at the time? Must rush! Opening ceremony!
