(This week only: 'Why go out?' comes to you to the tune of various traditional Christmas carols. Today, "Ding Dong merrily on high...")
Ding dong merrily on high, I'm bored of Christmas parties. I'm sure noticeably I am straining to be "hearty"...
All I wa-ant is a niiice big sofa and a cup of cocoa, a hot water bottle; and to know what's on the telly. Oooh I say, there's The Princess Bri-ide, and other stu-uff, th-at sounds much better. Intrigued? The Guide will tell thee...
Tony Robinson's Titanic Adventure 9pm, C4 Is there anything else to know about the Titanic? According to Tony Robinson, there is. He's hitched a ride with Titanic obsessive James Cameron to take a dive to the wreck and embark on the ultimate archaeological trip. The idea is to find out what really happened in the ship's last moments (things like whether the radio operators stayed at their posts as water lapped at their feet). There's plenty of boys' toys and enthusiastic Robinson, but beyond the footage from the interior of the ship, there's not a lot here for the casual viewer.
Martin Skegg
The Ghost Squad 10.30pm, C4 Amy's bisexual one-night stand with PC Sarah Houghton turns sour when she discovers a desk full of loose £20 notes; Sarah claims it's charity money for the Rape Crisis Centre -- but the trail leads to on-off boyfriend and fellow copper Vinny, who's flogging confiscated coke for cash. Will the luckless woman betray her lover? More style than substance(s) here, like a downbeat Hustle minus Marc Warren's interminable mugging.
Ali Catterall
Live 8: It Was 20 Years Ago Today 10.35pm, BBC1 Visiting Ethiopia during 2003, Bob Geldof found that two decades of western aid had failed to address the "totality of poverty", and kick-started the "the world's loudest lobby for change", Live 8, the genesis of which is unflinchingly chronicled by its major players in this first of two docs. Geldof, Bono and Richard Curtis have received much snidey flak over their attempts to eradicate third world poverty, but as is all-too-evident herein, the real answers lie with the politicians who ignore this ongoing disaster, in our names.
Joss Hutton
The Princess Bride (Rob Reiner, 1987) 8pm, Sci-Fi Wonderful post-modern fairy tale, telling of handsome stableboy Cary Elwes's quest to rescue his true love, Robin Wright, from the wicked Prince Humperdinck (Chris Sarandon). There are lots of good jokes and our hero isn't the most competent; along the way he falls foul of, or is assisted by, a host of top actors delivering delightful cameos, including Mandy Patinkin, Wallace Shawn, Christopher Guest, Peter Falk, Peter Cook, Billy Crystal and Mel Smith. Adapted from his own novel by William (Marathon Man) Goldman.
Storyville: Andrew And Jeremy Get Married 9pm, BBC4 Don Boyd's timely film about middle aged gay couple Jeremy and Andy. Jeremy's posh and 20 years older. Andy is a bus driver and former junkie. Don met them at Hanif Kureishi's house and decided to make a film about them getting married. Super. The unlikely twosome set about planning their wedding and talk about their relationship so far. Next week, Stephen Poliakoff makes a film about a charming couple he met at bridge. OK, it is beautifully shot and they're a very nice couple. There.
Julia Raeside
Monsieur Verdoux (Charles Chaplin, 1947) 10pm, Artsworld From a story suggested by Orson Welles, based on the notorious first world war "Bluebeard" killer, Chaplin crafted a zippy but curiously uncomfortable murder comedy. His dapper, almost camp, protagonist holds the whole thing together, seducing vulnerable old women with his silver tongue, then flitting energetically between his different lives, bumping off spouses when they smell a rat or he needs the cash. Of course, he comes unstuck, and society is to blame, but it's difficult to reconcile the serious sentiment with what is essentially a showcase for Chaplin's considerable comedic talents.
Steve Rose
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Something secular tomorrow, I think. But then, what's not secular about hot water bottles, cocoa and The Princess Bride? We're not in Narnia now, Buttercup...
