Is it the Easter holidays yet?
I suppose it must be - I didn't wake up this morning to the sound of the kids in the school behind me gleefully trying to kill each other (or that's what it sounds like, anyway). So they must be at home, trying to kill their parents instead. Or killing themselves through bad diet and sedentary lifestyle. The lucky buggers.
Still, while they're sitting at home on the sofa with the cheese straws, I'm sure they're learning some very valuable lessons at the same time. What might they learn tonight? Well, they might learn about British food with Jenni Bond - qualified to talk about food by spending several years being the BBC's Vegetable Correspondent (Buckingham Palace division) and then disappearing off to the Australian jungle to eat Kangeroo knackers in a desperate attempt to revive her career.
She's on the trail of the "Great British Menu", a choice of foods, partly voted on by the ritish public, which will eventually be served to the Queen as "a birthday treat". So quite plausibly this could be a good way of finding out the level of republican feeling in the Nation as well - will we choose a nice stuffed grouse or a pile of kangeroo knackers for the old bird?
Quite apart from that, they could learn some really very sensible things, as you'll see below in tonight's picks taken from this week's Guide; about the only Welsh prime minister, or the 25th anniversary of a riot, or perhaps about asthma and the efficacy of hypnosurgery. Or they could watch a fabulous documentary about spelling. God - it's worse than being in school, this ...
The Great British Menu 6.30pm, BBC2 So that'll be chicken vindaloo, spag bol and a doner kebab. Nevertheless, Jennie Bond, along with 14 nation-roving chefs, a judging panel - and ultimately us lot - will choose a four-course British lunch fit for a king. Queen, rather: the winning meal will be dished up to Her Maj as an 80th birthday treat. At any rate, a thrillingly treasonous opportunity to serve up something exceedingly garlicky. Happy birthday to you, squashed tomatoes in stew, Ma'am.
Ali Catterall
The Battle For Brixton 7pm, BBC2 Inevitable 25th anniversary revisit of the 1981 Brixton riots -- a punch-up which continues to excite the popular imagination like few other civil disturbances in recent British history, inspiring rock songs and rhyming slang (it is possible, in the wilder reaches of Bermondsey, to meet weight-watching locals who describe themselves as "on a Brixton"). This documentary is a fairly straightforward exploration of the spectacular weekend-long fracas, including interviews with rioters, police officers and firefighters, and a great deal of quaint archive footage of bottles being flung by people with bad hair.
Andrew Mueller
Dispatches: How To Beat Your Kid's Asthma 8pm, C4 More than a million children suffer from asthma in the UK and they all have to rely on expensive drugs for treatment. Dispatches wants to test an inexpensive solution that could save the NHS a great deal of cash. The commonsensical idea is to remove irritants that might trigger attacks from the household. Twelve families with children of various ages join the allergen-free experiment.
Clare Birchall
Spellbound (Jeffrey Blitz, 2002) 6pm, FilmFour Funny look at the American tradition of Spelling Bees. Every year nine million children aged between 12 and 14 -- and the pushy parents behind them -- spend all summer travelling to heat after heat of the televised national championship. There's a certain cruel satisfaction in watching the horror in the children's faces as they squirm and wriggle their way through 29-letter words that they'll never use in real life, nor know the meaning of. Director Blitz follows eight contenders varied in ethnicity and social status during the trek across middle America. Fascinating. As for the kids, bring back the sack race.
Danielle Proud
Lloyd George: The People's Champion 9pm, BBC4 The only Welshman ever to serve as prime minister, Lloyd George is remembered these days as something of a womaniser, and for the scandals that dogged the end of his political career -- this is a man who could teach Tony Blair a thing or three about selling honours. But, according to Huw Edwards, the BBC newsreader who fronts this documentary, Lloyd George should be remembered as a political giant of the 20th century. Edwards traces his political career, emphasising the social reforms Lloyd George pioneered -- national insurance and pensions were forged by this man -- and examining his record as a wartime leader. A fascinating account of a complex man.
Nick Taylor
Hypnosurgery Live 9pm, More4 More4 news presenter Sarah Smith hosts a two-hour special on the efficacy of hypnosis as an alternative to general anaesthetic. It's television, so obviously they're not just going to talk about it. One lucky punter will be carved up, live on air. But it is a serious investigation into the subject, so don't expect Paul McKenna and some amusing chicken impressions. Have your dinner well in advance and do not bother trying anything you see here at home.
Julia Raeside
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Well, if it has to be educational, it might as well be Spellbound. That's a great documentary. Documentary. D-O-C-U-M-E-N-T-A-R-Y. Documentary.
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