The Apprentice finale! It's the Apprentice finale! Quick, quick everyone, man your televisions, it's the...
What do you mean, "What?" You know, The Apprentice? It's a TV show? A very popular one with huge ratings and critical plaudits and things? Yes, yes, I know, you don't have a television, you're far above such things as populist entertainment, and you'd rather chew your own legs off at the knees than watch it, well to you, I say only this: you're missing out, sourpuss.
It's been a great series, and very popular, full of "characterful types" - the kind of people you feel you'd probably want to punch if they were sitting behind you on the train, talking into their mobile phone the whole way (and they would be). Excitingly, one of the stars of Series One (Rachel, who is best remembered for giving the world's worst presentation, in which she danced around and sang a little song) gets on my bus in the morning, so I was going to bring you an exclusive on who she thought should win, but unfortunately this was the one day on which she must have decided to walk. And probably for that very reason.
So at 9pm on BBC2, you can find out which of the remaining contestants will become lackey to Surralan - the pretty one with all the personality of a wooden spoon or the quite-possibly-unstable one who constantly refers to herself by full name in third person. Or you could watch something else. There's more on, you know - and you can find out what, with the picks of tonight's TV, taken from this week's Guide.
UEFA Cup Final Live: Middlesbrough V Sevilla 7.30pm, ITV1 A week away from Arsenal's Champion's League final, England's hopes for a European winner rest on Steve McClaren's team. Will they be able to pull it off? Subsequent programmes may run late if it drags out to extra time or penalties.
Richard Vine
The Man Behind The Da Vinci Code: Revealed 8pm, Five Timely profile of Henry Lincoln, one of the authors behind the book at the centre of the court case against Dan Brown -- The Holy Blood And The Holy Grail. Here, Lincoln's madcap ideas are detailed, from the by now familiar argument of a blood line descending from Jesus Christ to his less well publicised studies into Templar geometry. The man sees pentacles everywhere and is keen to demonstrate this by drawing over maps with large felt-tip pens. The programme liberally calls on other historians that take great delight in poo-poo-ing Lincoln's pseudo-scholarship, but his mental gymnastics are undeniably entertaining.
Clare Birchall
The Apprentice 9pm, BBC2 The final two (bet the farm on The Badger) face off in power suits for the chance to flog Sugar's wares to the masses. Godlike Adrian Chiles is master of ceremonies as both candidates have to stage a show at Tower Bridge, with teams made up of the losers. It should be the two finalists, in gladiator gear, with a full orchestra playing The Ride Of The Valkyries behind them. Then Big Al, dressed as Caesar, gives it the thumbs down or up at the end. Brilliant series. Martha Stewart's version starts at 10.30pm, over on Discovery Home & Health.
Julia Raeside
5x2: Cinq Fois Deux (Francois Ozon, 2004) 9.45pm, Sky Cinema 1 Ozon tells the story of a couple's relationship in reverse, beginning with the divorce and working back through five stages to the first tentative moments. While not an original method, it is useful in shifting attention away from what will happen onto how things got to the way they are. Quite what has been going on isn't always spelt out, and this is the strength of the film -- Ozon never ramps up moments into melodrama, but keeps it all within the realm of the everyday. While the characters are not always likable, they are always believable, their mistakes and behaviour all too human. There's a behind the scenes short first at 9.30pm.
Martin Skegg
The Ripper Hoaxer: Wearside Jack 10pm, More4 "I'm Jack, I see you are still having no luck catching me..." During the middle of the Yorkshire Ripper investigation in the 1970s, police thought they'd finally caught a break when a tape with this cold message was received by the West Yorkshire Police along with three letters also sent to the press. It turned out to be a hoax that diverted attention away from prime suspect Peter Sutcliffe --who killed three more times. This documentary, shown last night on C4, tells how the hoaxer was finally caught -- some 26 years later.
Richard Vine
The Apprentice: Martha Stewart 10.30pm, Discovery Home & Health The domestic goddess who, as her trial found, can cook the books as well as numerous suppers, heads a new round of the longest interview on earth -- cunningly scheduled to start straight after the end of the UK series. Savvy as Stewart is, she's no Donald Trump or Alan Sugar. She has better manners and less testosterone. Martha smiles at the hopefuls when they enter a room, shares a meal with them, and writes a polite letter of apology to the fired person at the end of the episode. All of which makes for boring TV. Trump knew this after the American airing and publicly distanced himself from it in a wholly uncharitable manner.
Clare Birchall
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And then there's the short-lived Martha Stewart spinoff starting at 10pm on Discovery. Insert your own gag about all the tasks being based on tax fraud and the necessary skill sets to run your empire while in chokey here - but you'd better be able to think of one quickly; the series has already been cancelled for being incredibly dull.
