The sharper-eyed among you may have noticed a complete lack of this column yesterday. To you who noticed I would say... well, firstly I'd say thank you, and hope it was with quiet dismay rather than unbounded glee that you noticed ... but mainly I would like to assure you that it was not an oversight, comrades. Oh no, it was not a mistake, nor a casualty of workload. Nonono. It was a solid, steadfast refusal to allow you to endanger yourselves by suggesting you go near any kind of technology through which you might stand a chance of having to watch even one short SECOND of Just the Two of Us - the new celebrity/reality/family friendly/varietytastic show on offer from the BBC. Truly godforsaken television - so absurdly, calculatingly "Saturday-night" that even Saturday night couldn't contain it, and it has had to go and lurk, darkly, in the wilds of, well, of seemingly every other night too. It's like a creeping variety plague.
Don't worry, though. We've seen the horror now, and know how to deal with it. Don't worry - I'll never leave you alone again, while this aberration continues - just in case you get confused and switch it on by mistake. And I promise, television is still the lovely, fluffy safe place it always was, as long as you promise to stay away from that channel you pay all that licence fees for, and don't think too much about the monsters under the bed. Sorry, not monsters under the bed, D-list celebrities singing dross ballads very poorly under garish lighting, unbidden, unwanted, unloved. Easily confused.
Meanwhile, we're safely into Friday now. No fear to be had. Well, apart from the fact that it continues tonight. But there's much great Fridaynightness to be had too - and you can find out what that might be, right now, with our picks of the night's TV, taken from this week's Guide.
Timewatch 9pm, BBC2 In a Hawaiian laboratory, a team of dedicated forensic anthropologists picks over human jigsaw puzzles, attempting to put names and stories to old bones. Specifically, American ones, of soldiers missing in action from every conflict since the US Civil war. To date, there are around 90,000 American servicemen unaccounted for; the team aims to fix that, and tonight investigates the remains of first world war American soldiers, discovered in a field in northern France.
Ali Catterall
Now That's What I Call Embarrassing: The 80s 9pm, Five Seemingly endless trawl through the decade of no dignity. Like all of these footage-plus-funnies-fests, you have to wait through 10 minutes of cheap TV for one good clip or sharp observation. OK, Nik Kershaw's snood was quite funny (although, very practical in cold weather); asking David Hasselhoff to sing about freedom as the Berlin Wall came down was surely a mistake; and it is funny to see the warning signs at Elton John's first wedding (he was wearing more jewellery than the bride for a start). But hindsight is a wonderful thing.
Clare Birchall
The IT Crowd 9.30pm, C4 For once, all seems to be going well for Jen. She's just agreed to go back to her dinner date's place to listen to the new Jamie Cullum album. Then, disaster. "You, Hucknall, when you're Simply Red-y!" shouts one Bill Crouse at the ginger waiter before announcing he doesn't want to share any of his food -- unusual at a tapas bar. Could things get worse? Much, much worse when Jen asks Moss to lie for her.
Jonathan Wright
The Clearing (Pieter Jan Brugge, 2004) 8pm, Sky Movies 2 Robert Redford plays a rich businessman who is kidnapped and held ransom by Willem Dafoe. Redford's wife, Helen Mirren, has to sit and wait it out with FBI agents as the two men wander through the woods trying to fathom each other out. With a cast like this you don't get a standard thriller. Instead the crime itself decreases in importance as events unfold -- after all, there are really only two ways a kidnapping drama can end -- which is both the film's strength and its weakness. The character development -- as good as it is -- comes at the expense of suspense, a trade-off not everyone will readily accept.
Phelim O'Neill
Folk Britannia -- Which Side Are You On? 9pm, BBC4 The first of two concerts filmed at the Barbican to tie in with BBC4's Folk Britannia series. Tonight, Billy Bragg introduces a selection of songs focusing on the political, protest and social commentary side of folk music, from Martin Carthy, Dick Gaughan, Maggie Holland and Robb Johnnson. Next week, Daughters Of Albion features Norma Waterson, Eliza Carthy, June Tabor, Kathyrn Williams, Sheila Chandra and Lou "Lamb" Rhodes.
Richard Vine
Masters Of Horror 11pm, Bravo With An American Werewolf In London, Innocent Blood and er, the video for Thriller on his CV, you might debate John Landis's status as a "master of horror". Still, his entry in this ongoing series is quite fun, aiming for something of the bloody comedy-horror vein he hit in American Werewolf. Brian "the guy from Dream On" Benben plays a washed-up detective who finds his career has taken him to the lofty heights of "weird calls guy". His latest case? A trucker whose murder has all the hoofmarks of an old native American legend about a sultry deer woman. It's John Carpenter's go next week.
Richard Vine
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Oh God, the Friday Night Project's on too - which, as we all know, deserves to be humanely put down. At least that's only on once a week - this 'Just the Two of Us' abomination seems to be on ALL the time. In fact, there's talk of replacing the rolling news on BBC24 with rolling D-list celebrity duets.
