It really is a chew-off-your-own-legs-rather-than-watch-Channel-Five night tonight, for the main part. And that's weird, because there have been fewer and fewer of those, recently.
But just loook at what's on offer - and this is even after Family Affairs has finished (I'm stupid about telly, but I'm not masochistic). We have, in order: Dream Holiday Home, 7.15; Building and renovation of houses. The Chaos Clinic, 7.30; Cleaning and organisation of houses. Call Yourself A Property Developer, 8pm; Buying, renovating, cleaing and selling of houses. Build A New Life In The Country, 9pm; Something about houses. I've stopped caring now.
And, amusingly, all of these are followed by House (10pm) which stands out because not only is it the only one not about houses, it's also the only one worth watching. And/or the only one not cut and pasted from 500 other shows. But we'll debate that another time.
In the meantime, there's some excellent comedy this evening, and also programmes about Britney Spears and the theory of relativity (NB: two separate shows there) so you can pick and choose to your heart's desire, with just a little help from our picks of the day, taken from this week's Guide and today's Guardian.
Gods And Generals (Ronald F Maxwell, 2003) 8pm, Sky Movies 1 Dreadful US civil war epic, which goes on nearly as long as its subject, and must have cost as much in false facial hair alone. Robert Duvall does well as the conflicted Confederate general Robert E Lee, who declined command of Union forces out of loyalty to his native Virginia. Unfortunately, Duvall — like Lee himself — can't compensate for his less talented colleagues. Much of the acting and writing would disappear beneath a hail of empties in any provincial theatre, and the glutinous soundtrack is excruciating, as are the strained expositions to enable the thick kids to keep up. The battle scenes suck as well.
Andrew Mueller
Britney And Kevin: Chaotic 10.30pm, E4 "They look like boobs. But they're my knees." That's the kind of off-the-cuff witticism you can expect from Ms Spears in this new show where she films herself all the time. It's the kind of freefall programming that's compelling and boring all at the same time, a DIY version of Madonna's Truth Or Dare, or a real-life Bo! Selecta. Britney quizzes her PA, bouncers and dancers on topics like "what's your favourite position?" or "what do you think about love and commitment?"; and is happy to include Blair Witch-style night-cam footage of her boozing it up with Kevin, and more close-ups of her bad skin days than Heat print. More new shows tonight on E4, with Paris and Nicole powering-up to become, like, businesswomen in The Simple Life (10pm); and the US Queer As Folk returns (11.30pm): Brian's in debt, Emmett visits Ted in Rehab and Michael and Hunter move back to Pittsburgh.
Richard Vine
Extras 9pm, BBC2 This week's guest star, Samuel L Jackson, takes more of a back-seat role, enabling the characters played by Ricky Gervais and Ashley Jensen to make right prats of themselves with little help from anyone else. Maggie fancies a fellow actor but seems to put her foot in it whenever his race is mentioned. Andy, meanwhile, discovers just how far he will sink in order to get a line of dialogue.
Mary Novakovich
Arrested Development 11pm, BBC4 Michael: "I really think the only reason you and I always fight is that since we were little kids, Dad's always played us off each other." Gob: "Dad always said that was your fault." One of those shows it's worth recording so you can catch the lines you laugh through.
Richard Vine
A Year At Kew 8pm, BBC2 The historic botanic gardens at Kew were finally designated a World Heritage Site this year, which is the focus of the gentle series chronicling life in this patch of south-west London. Staff members are in a bit of a tizz, because it's the Queen who will be on hand to unveil the plaque, and that means tidying up the 300 acres in record time.
Mary Novakovich
No Waste Like Home 8.30pm, BBC2 This starts by informing us that Britons waste £25billion a year, and £20bn of that, apparently, on food we don't eat. We are not told what percentage of the £5bn unaccounted for in that dubious statistic is squandered on boring, pointless television like this. Apparently, if you turn the lights off when you're not in the room, and put on a jumper instead of cranking up the thermostat, you'll create less rubbish and spend less money.
Andrew Mueller
E=mc2 9pm, C4 How to make physics accessible? Based on David Bodanis's bestseller, a drama-documentary that takes the equation-as-superstar approach. Einstein came up with his universe-explainer in 1905, but this also covers the science that cleared the way for his theory and its aftermath. Plus the characters: from low-born Michael Faraday's fascination with electricity to exiled Lise Meitner's realisation that her experiments had split the atom. There are moments of unwitting humour — it takes a while, for instance, to get used to the idea that Julian Rhind-Tutt isn't doing a French accent for laughs — but an admirable exercise in pop science nevertheless.
Jonathan Wright
The Catherine Tate Show 9.30pm, BBC2 Perennial singleton Elaine Figgis attempts to find love on the internet; schoolgirl Lauren accuses her Bristolian teacher of being a farmer; a family encounter the theme restaurant from Hades; and the terrifying Nan returns distraught from a friend's wake. The best and filthiest gag involves a sex-starved duty nurse. Nobody would deny that Catherine Tate makes a good impression, but she's often underserved by some lazy writing and editing, which is a problem.
Ali Catterall
I'll grant you, as picks go, some of those aren't quite top of the pops, but hell, there's good to be had in bad television - and what else are we meant to do? Talk to each other?
