OK, we get it. Hollywood loves a sequel. But does Columbia have to drag a third story kicking and screaming out of the torpid XXX franchise? And worse still, do studio executives really have to reinstate Vin Diesel in the lead?
Unfortunately it appears they do. News arrives from Tinseltown today that Diesel is in talks to reprise the role of Xander Cage that he first made famous in director Rob Cohen's effects-laden 2002 action flick XXX. When that film made tons of money Diesel – who by this time had made a bit of a name for himself in a surprise street racing hit called The Fast and the Furious and a breakout role in the sci-fi adventure Pitch Black – had an epiphany.
Displaying the cunning of a fox, Diesel realised that he might be worth something at the box office. So he got greedy and demanded lots of money to appear in the second XXX and Fast and the Furious movies and guess what? Hollywood chiefs got furious real fast and told him to XXX off. As a result Columbia cast Ice Cube as their maverick hero in the 2005 sequel XXX: State of the Union and Paul Walker in 2 Fast 2 Furious. When the former tanked, XXX producer Joe Roth must have been eager to get back in business with Diesel, who after a humbling period of obscurity has presumably revised his asking rate. The Pacifier made money but have you seen The Chronicles of Riddick or Babylon AD? They are cinema's equivalent of the Chinese water torture.
Roth holds the rights to the XXX franchise and if Columbia ultimately decides not to proceed he can shop it around at other studios. Columbia will probably go for it because it wants franchises, which are the name of the game these days. But please. Diesel? The tentatively titled XXX: The Return of Xander Cage will see him once again growl and mumble his way through another slice of sub-par entertainment. (The fact that Rob Cohen returns as director is no cause for celebration, either.) He's also returning to star opposite Walker in the lead in the fourth Fast and the Furious instalment. I don't get it. The man can barely walk and talk at the same time, displays negative charisma and boasts the emotional range of a stunted marsupial.
Is this the best Hollywood can offer for a muscle-bound action hero? As 007 and Jason Bourne, Daniel Craig and Matt Damon do a great job in that gritty, this-is-hardcore-but-also-quite-realistic sort of way. But audiences also crave campy escapism and for that you need a bulked-up leading man who's big enough to take on the out-sized challenges that Sly, Arnie and Bruce used to tackle so well back in the Eighties. Diesel pales in comparison.
So who's the rightful heir to the Planet Hollywood triumvirate? The man for the job is The Rock - aka Dwayne Johnson. As he proved in The Scorpion King, the former wrestling champ can handle the action with ease. He's got the looks, oozes sincerity and charm and has great comic timing as evidenced in Get Smart and Welcome to the Jungle (known as The Rundown in the US). My only fear is he's almost too clean, which is why he gets offered lots of family comedies these days. But if Hollywood wants to find a bona fide action star they need look no further than Mr Johnson.
