You sense something is wrong. There is a tension in the air you can’t ignore. So, you try to talk to your partner about it. Instead of engaging, he shuts down, changes the subject, or simply leaves the room. This frustrating pattern is known as stonewalling or avoidance.
For many women, this behavior is baffling and deeply hurtful because it feels like a refusal to participate in the relationship. While not exclusive to men, this conflict avoidance is a common complaint. So, why do men think avoidance solves relationship issues? Let’s unpack the psychology behind this common dynamic.
He’s Trying to Avoid a Fight
From his perspective, walking away might feel like a de-escalation tactic. Many men are socialized to be “fixers” and to remain calm and logical. When a conversation becomes emotionally charged, they may not have the tools to navigate it effectively. Consequently, their internal alarm bells start ringing.
Instead of risking saying the wrong thing and making the situation worse, they retreat. They believe that giving the situation “space” will allow things to cool down. The problem is, for their partner, this withdrawal feels like abandonment, not a solution.
He’s Experiencing Emotional Flooding
Emotional flooding is a state of physiological arousal where you feel completely overwhelmed. Your heart rate increases, adrenaline kicks in, and your ability to think rationally plummets. This is the classic “fight-or-flight” response, which intense relationship conflict can trigger for many men.
When a man is flooded, he is physically incapable of having a productive conversation. Therefore, avoidance becomes a self-preservation mechanism. He is not trying to punish you; he is trying to stop himself from drowning in overwhelming emotion.
He Wasn’t Taught How to Handle Conflict
From a young age, boys are often taught to suppress emotions like sadness or fear. The phrase “boys don’t cry” is a powerful and damaging message. As a result, many men enter adulthood with a limited emotional vocabulary and underdeveloped skills for navigating conflict.
They may not know how to express their feelings without anger or listen without becoming defensive. Avoidance then becomes the easiest option because they simply don’t have the tools to do anything else.
He Fears Making Things Worse
Past experiences can shape current behavior. If previous attempts to discuss issues have ended in explosive arguments, he may have learned that talking about problems only makes them bigger. Inside his head, he might be thinking, “Last time we talked about this, we fought for three days. I’m not doing that again.”
This fear of escalating the conflict can lead him to believe that saying nothing is the safest bet. Unfortunately, he doesn’t realize that the silence is often more damaging than a messy conversation. Avoidance doesn’t solve relationship issues; it just postpones them.
How to Break the Cycle
If this pattern resonates with you, it’s important to approach the issue as a team. Instead of criticizing the avoidance, try to understand the fear behind it. You can start by setting ground rules for difficult conversations.
- Agree on a time to talk when you are both calm.
- Use “I” statements to express your feelings without blame.
- Agree to take breaks if either person starts to feel flooded. A 20-minute cool-down can make a world of difference.
Conflict Is a Doorway, not a Dead End
It’s crucial to understand that avoidance is often a symptom of fear, not a sign of indifference. He may think avoidance solves relationship issues because he is trying to protect himself and the relationship from what he perceives as a greater danger: an out-of-control fight. By creating a safer space for vulnerability, you can begin to break this destructive cycle and learn to navigate conflict together.
Have you experienced this in your relationship? How did you handle it? Share your thoughts in the comments.
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