Name: Richmond
Age: 500 years old, give or take.
Appearance: Very nice indeed.
Are we talking about Richmond, Virginia, US, former capital of the Confederate states? Or historic Richmond in North Yorkshire, that idyllic market town on the edge of the dales? Neither. We're talking about Richmond upon Thames in south-west London.
OK. And why are we doing that? Because it has just been declared the best place on the planet.
I see. And what sort of methodology produced this unlikely result? Asking David Attenborough.
This is a man who has spent a lifetime travelling to the most exciting and beautiful places in the world. It is.
And you're telling me that none of them can compete with an upmarket London suburb? I am.
Fine. Well, you'll forgive me if I say that conclusion lacks scientific rigour. I will. And in his defence, I don't think Attenborough would claim much. He was asked by readers of Time Out what his favourite place in the world was, and he answered Richmond "by a long way", citing London's classical music scene and the fact that he lives there, along with many of his friends and family.
In truth, I doubt that living close to David Attenborough's friends and family is as important to most people as it is to him. Indeed. Although Richmond has many other things to recommend it.
Let's hear them. Well, a recent survey found that it was the happiest borough in the UK, if you don't count the City of London.
Well, I want to. In that case, it's the second-happiest. "Richmond" is also the most duplicated British place name around the world. Plus there are some nice old buildings, a couple of theatres, lots of pubs and shops …
Whatever. How about the wildlife? Does it compare with Borneo or Madagascar? There's the deer in Richmond Park, of course. Sometimes Fenton the dog. The London Wetland Centre is a short drive away. I imagine the river has some fish in it …
Should we call that a no, then? We probably should.
Do say: "A man who is tired of Richmond can always get the 65 bus to Kew Gardens."
Don't say: "Here in west London, a new male is attempting to assert his dominance by sinking eight pints down the rugby club."
