Appearance: Shaved my shoulders, changed my pants, put on my least-stained jumper. Now let's go out and save this marriage, dammit!
What's that smell? Eau de Desperation, the new fragrance from Lidl. I bought it especially for our big night, darling.
What, for the love of God, are you on about? Norway's minister for children, equality and social inclusion, Solveig Horne, says married couples should arrange regular date nights to stem the tide of divorces. In Norway, 40% of couples divorce.
Can we make a cheap gag about her surname? She's so horny she thinks Mousse T's 1998 club classic I'm Horny (horny, horny, horny) is about her. Which, in a sense, it is.
That was your best shot? No wonder our relationship is doomed. Sorry. But look, lots of couples save their marriages with regular date nights. Think of the Camerons.
What do they do? "We have one night a week where we either stay in and do nothing or go out on our own," Dave told Now magazine.
Where do they go? Subway on the Edgware Road. The house white is milk. When they get home they make out over arousing equestrian-boot photos in the Boden catalogue.
You're making that up. What do the Obamas do? They sometimes go to Rasika, an Indian restaurant in Washington.
How does Michelle like her dhal? Rolled.
Rolled dhal? No, Roald Dahl.
Oh God. New grounds for divorce. Perhaps we should go on a date where you don't talk. The pictures, say. Good point. Horne says she was inspired by the 2010 film Date Night, starring Steve Carrell and Tina Fey.
But wasn't that a disaster movie, where a married couple go our for a quiet meal and wind up getting shot at, arrested and embroiled in a degrading pole-dancing sequence? Yes, but disaster proves bonding. "Honey, listen to me. You're a beautiful, strong woman. Now, I want you to go in there and pop that coochie."
What was that? That's what Carrell says before Fey pole dances.
Is a coochie what I think it is? Because I'm not doing that.
Do say: "We need more quality time."
Don't say: "Is this a booty call, SamCam? Because I've got four hours' prep for PMQs and a Skype call with President Karzai before we go up the little hill to Bedfordshire. So count me out."
