I'm typing this with my head in my hands. Obviously I'm not, that wouldn't work at all, but it's fair to say I'm lacking a certain understanding in events playing out in the radio industry, writes Paul Smith.
Global Radio has announced plans to cut the number of local programmes on its Heart and Galaxy stations. The afternoon show will be networked on the Heart stations in London and the Midlands, while only breakfast and drivetime will be local on the four Galaxy stations. Weekend schedules will also be heavily networked.
Twelve presenters and managers will lose their jobs across the two networks, which is obviously painful for those involved.
But what's even more thoroughly disheartening is the justification given for the changes by Global chief executive Ashley Tabor: "When we started here what you heard on Heart in London was not very similar to what you heard on Heart in the east or West Midlands. They were really quite different radio stations."
That's because they're different radio stations, surely? Why would a station serving 11 million listeners in London sound like one that broadcasts across Derby?
Several years ago, Emap repositioned its Magic network of local stations to mirror Magic 105.4 in London. Magic 105.4 was the shop window through which the Magic network could be sold, except agencies still didn't buy it because it was an AM network. By the time Emap figured this out, all of the local stations had been changed beyond recognition, not to meet the requirements of their audiences or marketplace, but to fit those set by the London marketplace.
Will local and regional stations gain anything by being poured into a mould created for a different market? Will the listeners?
According to Tabor: "It will be national at the right time of day and local at the right time of day, offering people local programming when they really want it."
How will Heart offer relevant programming to listeners in London when they really want it, during a terrorist attack or a tube strike? How will Heart's afternoon show be live and relevant, without shunning listeners in the Midlands?
Bauer Radio's Kiss stations in the east of England and the Severn estuary - formerly owned by Emap - are networked through the day, but independently of Kiss 100 in London. The flagship station's output isn't compromised to satisfy the needs of the regions.
Back to Tabor: "People assume networking is about big name DJs. It's not, it's about quality presenters. If you take 50 different radio stations there cannot possibly be 50 good presenters at every station in a particular slot. Why not take the two or three quality class players and put them across the network."
Which radio stations are we talking about now? Unless it's a reference to another network of several dozen local FM stations acquired by Global Radio, but I can't think of one off the top of my head. Unless... . Nah.
Some will argue that music-led networks gain little by broadcasting local content - an argument that would carry some weight if the likes of Galaxy in Yorkshire and the North East weren't built on the bedrocks of their breakfast shows, which are exquisitely local in every way.
While breakfast shows can't be networked because of regulations, the steady erosion of locality at other times will slowly unravel the loyalty of listeners. They probably won't bother holding their head in the hands, lamenting at the injustice of it all. They'll just re-tune to the BBC.
