Get that girl away from me ... Emma Roberts as the new Nancy Drew. Photograph: Warner Bros
Please God, keep girl detective Nancy Drew far, far away from me. No, not because I know the secret of the old clock. It's because I'm worried she's going to stab me in the throat with a pen if I eat a peanut.
In the upcoming film based on the children's mystery books, Nancy sees a friend with severe food allergies go into anaphylactic shock after kissing a boy who had recently eaten a peanutty snack. Show-off that she is, the teenage sleuth grabs a biro and performs an emergency tracheotomy on her friend, opening her airways and saving her life.
Kids (and nostalgic Drew-loving parents who will take them to this film), pay attention. If you ever see someone having a similar reaction, do not reach for your ballpoint pen. This is the medical equivalent of invading Iraq to fight terrorism: it's dramatic, sure, but if you don't know what you're doing you're likely to make a bloody mess.
Why is it that Hollywood always seems to get allergies so wrong? A recent House of Lords report noted that the incidence of allergies is approaching epidemic proportions in the UK (it's the same throughout the Western world), but most film-makers are still tackling the subject with all the sensitivity with which Gone With the Wind approached slavery.
But at least Miss Drew takes allergies seriously. Most examples of allergic reaction in popular culture occur as a prelude to a bit of cartoonish slapstick. In Monster-in-Law - what, you missed it? - Jane Fonda's character tries to bump off her daughter-in-law-to-be Jennifer Lopez by lacing a gravy boat with mashed-up nuts; instead of killing her, it leaves J-Lo with swollen lips the size of her formidable behind. Likewise, in the comedy Hitch, Will Smith accidentally ingests an allergen while on a dinner date with Eva Mendes, only for his head to swell until it reaches a size to rival that of Christopher Hitchens.
More recently, in the TV comedy Ugly Betty, the heroine's nephew takes revenge on a rival for a role in a high school West Side Story by popping a few walnuts into his sandwich, sending him home with hives. How amusing! Or, rather, it might have been if nine-year-old Mohsen Hussain of Middlesbrough hadn't died from his nut allergies the week before Channel 4 aired this episode. Because that's what anaphylaxis really does, rather than making you look like the Stay Puft marshmallow man or giving you funny-looking hives.
I have no problem with filmmakers pushing the envelope with dark humour when it comes to allergies and their associated nerd ailments, but it would be nice - and funnier - if they based their jokes on reality rather than on stereotypes. From the irritation of dealing with unsympathetic waiters to the embarrassingly phallic shape of an Epipen in a trouser pocket, trust me, there is plenty of humour to be mined. Until that day comes, however, we should all be wary - and look out for children bearing writing utensils.
