Age: About 50 on average.
Appearance: Beards and bells, sticks and swords, handkerchiefs and waistcoats.
How old is the dance? At least 567 years. A tapestry depicting a "morysk Daunce" is listed in an inventory of Caistor Castle in Norfolk dating back to 1448.
And it's still going strong? Strong is a strong word. It is still going though. For now.
For now? Is it under threat? It is, from dwindling membership, an ageing population of dancers and – according to some of the morris world's most senior figures – a nationwide shortage of irons.
Are they really that bothered by creases? No, not those kind of irons.
Well, what kind of irons are they, then? Curling? Golf? Jeremy? The kind that are a bit like miniature horseshoes and fit on to the clogs worn by morris dancers – a bit like the metal plates on the soles of tap dancers' shoes.
Oh. You mean the bits that make that tedious "clack, clack, clack" noise? That's the ones.
And why exactly is that a loss to the world? Because morris dancers need those irons to make that tedious "clack, clack, clack" noise – and without them some of the dance's historic character will be lost. So try to be sympathetic.
Fine. Why the shortage? There aren't enough blacksmiths making them any more.
Because even blacksmiths can't stand the noise? No. They are just making other things instead. Or retiring. Or changing career to something a bit less medieval.
So what are the morris dancers doing about it? The Joint Morris Organisations – the umbrella group for the dancers – are launching a nationwide appeal to track down any remaining stocks of irons and distribute them across the country. They have approached the steel industry and heritage groups in an attempt to secure supplies for the future.
But if, heaven forfend, they can't? Then dancers will have to ditch their iron-shod clogs in favour of far quieter rubber soles.
Do you want me to pretend I'm upset about that? If you would.
Oh dear. What a shame. Thanks.
Do say: "Hey nonny no!"
Don't say: "Hey nonny, no need to make so much noise!"
• The picture caption was amended on 18 June to clarify that morris dancers in the north-west traditionally wear irons. In the south dancers more commonly wear bells.
