Dear Coleen, I’m a woman in my late-30s and have been having an on/off affair with a local man. Recently, we had a huge bust-up because he said he couldn’t handle the deceit any more – he’s married with two children.
I gave him an ultimatum and, surprise, surprise, he chose to stay with his wife.
I felt so angry because I felt he’d led me on, talking about things we could do when we were officially together.
I know you’ll tell me I’m stupid, but I believed him and effectively put my life on hold, waiting for him to make the move.
I know it’s hard to have sympathy with me, hooking up with a married guy, but I feel so hurt and let down.
To make matters worse, I wrote to his wife and told her about the affair, which unleashed a complete nightmare.
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We live in a small town and she told everyone and anyone, so now I feel the whole town is talking about me.
She also screamed at me in the street one day when I was shopping and I ended up bursting into tears and running off.
My ex then called me and shouted at me, saying he couldn’t believe I’d told his wife and there was no chance of us ever getting back together and never to contact him again.
I feel like everything has crumbled around me. Can you help?
Coleen says
Well, it takes two to have an affair, but it seems you’re getting all the blame.
My advice would be to leave your ex to get on with it – you know now he wasn’t worth it – and learn from what happened and move on.
I’ve said it many times in this column – when it comes to affairs, the partner who’s married or in a relationship rarely leaves because they want to have their cake and eat it.
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They’re usually not looking for another serious relationship.
On the upside, you’re out of it now so you can console yourself with the fact that when two people having an affair end up together officially, it often doesn’t work out.
The thrill of the affair has gone and you are left dealing with all the mundane stuff that comes with a regular relationship.
As for other people, they’ll soon have something else to gossip about and anyone with any brains will realise that your ex was in the wrong, too.
