There’s a nice symmetry to this weekend’s X Factor final. After all, there are three acts left in the competition, and roughly three viewers in the country who’d rather watch X Factor than Antiques Roadshow.
Make no mistake: this has been a dog of a series. Even by its own plummeting standards, this is the worst X Factor in living memory. Almost nothing about it has worked; a fact reflected by the state of its finalists. The last three contestants standing this year are a joke act gone horribly wrong, and two of the sort of blank-faced, personality-free nonentities who tend to win televised talent shows whenever the audience is too disengaged to care.
There was a smattering of potential in the initial clutch of finalists – Seann Miley Moore, in particular, would have made an interesting pop star, albeit one you could only listen to in three-second bursts – but that doesn’t matter anymore. The three acts left in X Factor 2015 are Che Chesterman, Louisa Johnson and Reggie ’N’ Bollie. One of them has to win, unfortunately, so let’s run through their chances.
Che Chesterman
The story of Che Chesterman is tragic indeed; the story of a boy born with a name that makes him sound like a frightened schoolgirl attempting to say the word “Chesterman”, and who subsequently overcompensated by deciding to model his entire look on David Brent.
At this stage, Che is this year’s clear outsider. His crimes against music have been multifarious. He dresses like he’s just finished a shift at Nando’s. His stage presence is so minimal that he could quite easily triple his charisma by moving his arms around. He recently attempted to perform Hello by Adele – a song so colossally inescapable that it feels like it’s been tattooed on your brain against your will – and somehow managed to forget the words. Che is in the final by the skin of his teeth, so don’t be too surprised if he’s the first to leave tomorrow.
Louisa Johnson
We know two things about Louisa Johnson at this point – that she’s 17 years old and that she can sing. We know that she’s 17 years old because the X Factor judges seem contractually obliged to remind us of this on a minute-by-minute basis, and we know that she can sing because she habitually sings six or seven different notes when one would do. All of the notes, all of the time, as loudly as possible; that’s the Louisa Johnson way.
In a true and just world, a pretty 17-year-old with a powerful voice would be the stuff of X Factor dreams. However, Louisa has done such a dismal job of imprinting her personality onto the national consciousness that, if she wins X Factor at all, it’ll be thanks to rote obligation and nothing else.
Reggie ’n’ Bollie
Reggie ’n’ Bollie are, in essence, the anti-Louisa. They’ve got personality to spare, and their unstoppable good-time charm is irresistible. However, and let’s be clear, they absolutely cannot sing. During each week of these godforsaken finals, they have just bounced on to the stage and repeatedly yelled their own names over the top of a slight different nondescript Zumba song.
Objectively, Reggie ’n’ Bollie are terrible. However, they’re in the final. My theory is that Reggie ’n’ Bollie are a novelty Jedward-style act that backfired. Normally they would have been kicked off in week two, but they’ve found themselves unwittingly becoming a counterpoint to all the tedious power-balladry performed by the rest of X Factor’s blank-void finalists. Reggie ’n’ Bollie are a protest vote. They’re a stand against everything that X Factor has become. For that reason – and because I want to see what song the flopsweat-soaked producers choose as their winners’ single – Reggie ’n’ Bollie must win X Factor. Or not. I mean, it’s not as if anyone cares.
