In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit ... The set of Lord of the Rings in New Zealand. Photograph: Simon Runting/Rex Features
Now that Peter Jackson and New Line have kissed goodbye to their long-running legal shenanigans and remembered how ridiculously wealthy they made each other with The Lord of the Rings, it's back to Middle Earth they go. Yesterday's announcement that Jackson will write and produce The Hobbit and an original sequel will have Tolkien fans rattling their boxes of 12-sided D&D dice in glee. MGM top brass will be ecstatic too: they played a key role in brokering the peace between Jackson and New Line and have come aboard as partner on this holiest of cash cows. Now the big question is: who will direct the films?
Jackson isn't out of the running by any stretch, but let's assume for the time being that the New Zealander will only write and produce. Who, then, will occupy the director's chair? Before New Line co-heads Bob Shaye and Michael Lynne sit down with Jackson early next year to decide this most weighty of matters, I most humbly ask that they cast their eyes over the following handful of suggestions.
It's no secret that Sam Raimi is in the mix and indeed the Spider-Man and Evil Dead director has said he would love to be considered if Jackson were somehow involved. Raimi would acquit himself honourably: like Jackson, he's a geek's wet dream and knows how to make a successful franchise. Bilbo's adventures in the Misty Mountains et al would allow Raimi to return to his horror roots and the films could turn out even darker than Jackson's trilogy.
Guillermo del Toro. Come on. The guy was born to make The Hobbit. He virtually is one himself, so he'd have the mannerisms down pat and as anybody who's seen Hell Boy and Pan's Labyrinth knows, the Mexican maestro isn't going to get queasy with the weird creatures and battle scenes. In the sequel, Bilbo establishes the hobbistas, a precursor to the International Brigades that fight Franco in the Spanish Civil War, and returns home with a maiden from Aragon and a passion for cheese-making.
Quentin Tarantino. Perhaps the only film-maker who would have the chutzpah to cast Bruce Willis as Bubba Bilbo, a trash-talking thief with an eye-patch and grenade launcher who pays people to pimp up his ride. And Uma Thurman as a zen warrior elf. Bubba loses his treasure in an ill-advised game of Russian roulette. Embittered and impoverished, he finally oversteps the mark when he gets wasted on cider and snuff at a private function for Gandalf and screeches "When you absolutely positively have to kill every Warg in the room" while waving the ring above his head. He is scolded for abusing his power and spends the next five years in self-imposed exile.
Imagine what fun Ang Lee would have exploiting the homoerotic subtext between Bilbo and Gandalf during those chilly nights in the Misty Mountains. Lingering close-ups of Gandalf's pipe and tracking shots of swords being forged in fires would heighten the tension ahead of each battle sequence (all of which would boast dazzling wire work and sporadic voice-overs of elvish lore). After the climactic Battle of Five Armies, Bilbo journeys to a distant meadow where he gazes wistfully at the horizon and learns to love his misshapen feet.
There. And back again. What are your recommendations?
