Everyone wants to be an X Factor judge. Why wouldn't they? All you need to do is roll your eyes a lot and tell people how monumentally worthless they are, and you're rewarded with a giant sack of money and a No 1 record (if you're Cheryl Cole) or a job as the host of a one-off ITV special featuring Craig David singing bizarre re-imaginings of I Wanna Be Like You from The Jungle Book (if you're Dannii Minogue). It's the dream ticket.
And with just three and a half depressingly short months to go until the start of this year's X Factor, a rush of C-listers have started doing everything they possibly can to register their interest for a potentially vacant judge's job. It's not particularly dignified – it's like watching a bunch of Hooverville-bound, depression-era casual labourers hoping to be picked for a day's work by a manager who can barely hide his disgust – but these are C-list celebrities we're talking about. Dignity doesn't really factor into these things. So who do we have in the running?
Mel B
At this point, Mel B would appear to be the frontrunner. Formerly of the Spice Girls, she seems to fit the entry criteria for the job as an X Factor judge – a successful pop singer with a mediocre solo career, a history of reality television and a fondness for the sound of her own voice. She also has Louis Walsh on her side – although whether that's a good thing or not remains to be seen.
Kerry Katona
This week Kerry said that she'd be "amazing" as an X Factor judge. So would she? Well, she was a successful pop singer with a mediocre solo career, has a history of reality television and a fondness for the sound of her own voice – that bit's OK. And she told reporters that she's waiting for Simon Cowell to call her about the job. But given that she was once deemed to be an unsatisfactory spokeswoman for frozen seafood, she might be in for a long wait.
Lee Ryan
Lee has also made his interest in The X Factor clear. Formerly of Blue, Lee is a successful pop singer with a mediocre solo career, a history of reality television and a fondness for the sound of his own voice. Lee says that his tenacity and experience in the music business would make him an ideal judge – although his current lack of profile is likely to set his bid back.
Kelly Rowland
Formerly of Destiny's Child, Kelly is a successful pop singer with a mediocre solo career and a history of reality television, who has been openly gunning for the role for the last six months. Unlikely to get the job because she isn't Beyoncé.
Robbie Williams
At the end of 2009 it was reported that Simon Cowell had started negotiations to bring Robbie Williams, formerly of Take That, in as a judge, although talks seem to have stalled. Maybe that's because Robbie has sold too many records as a solo artist to qualify, or maybe it's because Cowell realised that Robbie is best deployed as an occasional wide-eyed babbling guest performer. Who knows?
So that's who might be in the running. But are they really the best we can do? Perhaps the X Factor judge spot should go to someone other than a washed-up pop star – but who? What about a DJ like Scott Mills? Or Louie Spence from Pineapple Dance Studios, who apparently said that he'd divorce his husband if it meant becoming a judge on Britain's Got Talent – perhaps he could be offered the X Factor job as a stopgap? Wasn't this the job that Tim Westwood was born to do? Your suggestions below please.
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