Name: The Arctic blast
Age: Just-born.
Appearance: Sudden. Cold.
At last! Some winter! How lovely! How quaint! How picturesque it will all be! Are you, perchance, a rich retiree living in the south and in peak physical health, dependent on nothing or no one from outside your well-insulated and maintained home for comfort and companionship?
I am, yes! How did you know? Because only someone who does not have to commute, take children to school or worry about heating bills or home repairs ever faces the prospect of Britain being visited by actual weather with equanimity. And if you’re in the south, even the worst of it tends to be blunted anyway.
It’s so silly of people to live in the north. They get hammered by everything. Including this Arctic blast thing, I’m assuming? I’m going to skip past that first bit, because you’re so stupid –
But warm! But yes, the north is particularly likely to suffer during the forthcoming week of freezing temperatures, ice, sleet and snow. The latter has already arrived in Scotland and parts of the north east, thanks to the patch of low pressure coming in over Scandinavia.
And what will happen in the south, where sensible people live?Temperatures will struggle to rise above five degrees and it will be very rainy. The Met Office has issued severe weather warnings along much of the south coast. And there has been a massive hailstorm in Devon.
Oh no! I have a second home in Devon. I’m sure you do.
How bad was it? Pictures show stones the size of marbles piling up in some pretty impressive drifts. There are also 167 flood warnings in place across the country.
Is there one on my koi pond? At which house?
Either? No.
How long is this cold snap going to last? The worst of it should be over in a week or so.
Any advice on how best to deal with it? Umm … don’t be poor, don’t be ill, don’t be old, disabled, dependent on public transport, don’t live in the north or on a flood plain – Britain cannot cope with you.
So, pretty much business as usual then? Basically, yes.
Do say: “Now, where did I put my North Face everything?”
Don’t say: “Well, this proves global warming is a myth! Turn the thermostat up, Muriel! Way, way up!”
