Name: Little Maurice.
Age: 30.
Appearance: Well thumbed.
Who is Little Maurice? Well, he belongs to Jean-Claude Juncker.
Wait a minute, is this about penises? It’s so much better than that. Little Maurice is the name that Juncker, the president of the European commission, has given his special book of enemies.
He literally lists his enemies in a book? He said: “I have a little, black book called Le Petit Maurice where, for the past 30 years, I have noted when someone has betrayed me.”
“Le Petit Maurice” sounds classier than “Little Maurice”. And less like he’s describing genitalia, too. OK, we’ll stick with Le Petit Maurice.
Has he really kept it for 30 years? Apparently so. During his 18-year tenure as Luxembourg’s prime minister, he would reportedly warn his opponents: “Be careful. Little Maurice is waiting for you.”
Who could possibly be in this book? You would imagine that it includes Angela Merkel, the president of Germany, who wants him to resign. And perhaps Marco Mille, the former head of Luxembourg’s intelligence service, who was once said to have secretly recorded a conversation with Juncker. Oh, and maybe Nigel Farage.
Really? You think? Well, the contents of Le Petit Maurice are a closely guarded secret, but, if I were Juncker, Farage would get an entire chapter to himself, and it would be illustrated with doodles of him being torn apart by goats. And I would use blood instead of ink. And reading any of it aloud would summon an army of demons from the fiery pits of hell.
That’s weirdly specific. I know. I don’t have a lot of friends.
Why on earth has Juncker told everyone about Le Petit Maurice? It’s weird, isn’t it? It’s almost like he wants someone to steal it and publish it.
Or maybe he can smell a book deal. Yes! He’ll quit, Le Petit Maurice will be published in hardback and Hollywood will make a movie adaptation of it, in which Juncker will be played by Ryan Gosling and Farage will be played by a frog that has been left out in the sun too long. What a blockbuster!
Do say: “What do we have to do to get inside Little Maurice?”
Don’t say: “Keeping a book of your enemies is something that only teenage girls do.”
