The voice of experience offers an insightful riposte to her colleague's observations ... Sharon at her best. Photograph: Ken McKay/Rex
So Sharon Osbourne has thrown a(nother) fit and decided that she doesn't want to be a judge or mentor on the forthcoming series of the X Factor. It's doubtful any of the contestants will mind too much - she's still not coached a contestant to victory after four attempts to do so. But the burning question is: who should replace her and join Simon Cowell, Louis Walsh and Dannii Minogue on the panel? My choices run as follows...
1. Cheryl Tweedy-Cole
She's opinionated and knows what it's like to be put through the mill on these reality shows. Even more interestingly, she's not that keen on Louis Walsh, who was notionally Girls Aloud's mentor and manager. She and Dannii could form a fierce team, squashing Louis's complaints at every opportunity.
2. Sinitta
The woman is a legend. Helping Simon Cowell in the boot camp stages of the competition, she has lounged around under parasols in bikinis and impressively sized sun-hats, and on one memorable occasion, an outfit made entirely of fans.
3. Julie Burchill
Hear me out. She has a taste for pop music and she doesn't suffer fools gladly, which means there'd be a hell of a lot of bickering as she pointed out to delusional contestants that they have no talent. Also, I'm fairly sure Dannii Minogue wouldn't know what to make of her.
4. Steve Brookstein
The victor from the first series would be like the ghost at the feast - a cautionary tale of what could happen to the winner once they've achieved their dream. A note of solemnity may bring some sense to the proceedings.
5. Wolf from the old Gladiators
Nostalgia seems to be in vogue, and the new series of Gladiators is unbearable, so let's get Wolf back on our screens where he belongs. He's full of pithy putdowns (albeit scripted, so he'll fit in well on The X Factor), and he could rugby-tackle any contestant who got a bit too big for their boots.
The problem is, I've come to conclude that The X Factor production team hate me. That is the only reason I can come up with to explain why they torment me with their formulaic show every year. As such, my money's on Myleene Klass as Osbourne's replacement - simply because she knows what sells and, let's face it, she's everywhere else.
