So what's it going to be tonight - Big Brother or The Apprentice? If I was at home - as opposed to the Guardian fun bus at Hay - I'd be watching Big Brother and taping The Apprentice. After all, why waste a moment in deciding which housemate you're going to detest most over the next 13 weeks?
The Apprentice is a superior show in almost every way, but it's a) pre-recorded and b) only on once a week. Watching it a bit later won't hurt. Whereas with Big Brother, the story unfolds minute-by-minute, and with the same (admittedly pathetic) fear of missing something that used to make me the last to leave even quite rubbish parties, I want to be immediately informed of the latest tawdry developments.
That said, I rather hate the fact that I'm still suckered in. I used to be unashamed about watching Big Brother - I couldn't understand why anyone interested in human behaviour wouldn't watch it - but the last Celebrity Big Brother and Big Brother 7 made me feel dirty. To retain me as a viewer,Channel 4 and Endemol need to regain some sense of responsibility. This time around, they can't exploit vulnerable housemates: no one as mentally precarious as Shabaz from BB7 should go within a hundred miles of the house. They can't encourage behaviour which is simply vile, like the bullying of Shilpa Shetty (on a purely TV level, unless you're some kind of sadist this stuff is unwatchable anyway).
Most of all, they can't take the piss out of the viewers. Aside from the - to put it mildly - dubious morality, Channel 4's manipulation of the rules, from concealing evidence of racism to bringing the hideous Nikki back into the house last year in defiance of the millions who voted her out, has almost turned the show into a joke. This year, the rumour that the first 12 housemates will all be women suggests that Channel 4 are still hitting the "annoying gimmick" button hard. Let's hope they turn into a revolutionary lesbian women's co-operative - I'd watch that on prime time TV. (Try getting a Nuts cover out of that!)
Ultimately though, I'd be watching tonight to see whether Channel 4 and Endemol have learned from their disastrous mistakes. If they haven't, I'll know I've got the next 13 weeks of my life back, because I won't be watching again.
It'll be back to the wonderfully bezerk Tre, orange-painted sales harpy Kristina, Katie, the posh bird Richard Curtis (and the rest of the nation) wants to kill, and the eternally great value Surralan. Better still, I won't feel that by watching I'm colluding in something unpleasant. How about you?
