Admittedly, a survey asking schoolchildren who they would choose as their ideal teacher is unlikely to result in a shortlist of no-nonsense, highbrow thinkers. But kids, surely you could have come up with someone more sensible than Cheryl Cole?
Yes, that's Cheryl Cole. From The X Factor. As a teacher. Someone who would presumably totter into the classroom in a series of increasingly impractical avant-garde ballgowns, and keep bursting into tears for no discernible reason. You might think she's a nice person, but children – what were you thinking?
Runners up include David Tennant – which does make some degree of sense, since Doctor Who is basically just the universe's most spectacularly enthusiastic science teacher; and Miley Cyrus, which I'll gloss over because I'm fairly sure that thinking about it too much will give me some sort of aneurysm. Stephen Fry takes ninth place, although I'd imagine he'd make a better headmaster – this is a man born to wobble onstage once a week and give a jolly, slightly absent-minded assembly full of long words that he may have just made up.
Clearly letting children choose their ideal teacher isn't going to help anyone when it comes to exams. Far better to leave it to the grown-ups to choose television personalities who could cut it in the classroom. But who would make your list?
I'd be tempted by Alan Sugar: put him in charge of class and you'd end up with 30 perfectly industrious young entrepreneurs who'd lead Britain to a new golden era, or end up working in an industrial centre in Essex churning out LCD display units – whichever.
Then there are the TV stars who look like they're already seasoned teachers. Adrian Chiles has the downbeat, dishevelled look of a man who's been teaching for too long. Any number of the Loose Women are already halfway there, in that they're tetchy and aren't afraid of raising their voices. And Jeremy Paxman and John Humphrys were surely born to be the initially intimidating English teachers you slowly come to respect.
Who else? Raymond Blanc? Possibly not – for all his years of experience as a world-class cookery mentor, he still pronounces 'house' and 'fight' as 'arse' and 'fart'. There isn't a schoolboy in the land who'd be able to take the man seriously. Similarly, we should probably ignore Myleene Klass here – she might be a classically trained pianist, and work on a show that counts as introducing people to opera, but how would she fit all those adverts into school holidays?
Which brings us to Phillip Schofield. Proven track record with children? Check. Endearing ability to send himself up? Check. Jolly enough to charm the parents? Willingness to only work a few hours a day with an enormous large amount of paid holiday? (Apologies, hard-working teachers stretched to the bone). Hey, Phillip Schofield really would be the perfect teacher!
But this is just the tip of the iceberg. Which other TV personalities would you like to have as a teacher? Ainslie Harriott? Ian Hislop? Andi Peters? Jeremy Kyle? Surely there must be some TV teachers who could make a straightforward transition. Mrs McCluskey perhaps? Susan from Teachers? Your thoughts below, please.
