Of all the characters in the Star Wars universe likely to receive a spin-off, Han Solo was always at the top of the list. So it comes as little surprise that Disney – eager to recoup the £2.5bn it shelled out on the Star Wars brand – has greenlit a Solo backstory. In fact, the only thing that will come as less of a surprise is if they cast Chris Pratt in the lead role.
Solo’s background of skullduggerous banditry and Wookiee husbandry clearly lends itself to an origin tale. Disney, apparently unwilling to let an expensive acquisition go unmilked, knows what fans will pay to see. It would be a safe bet to assume similar tales involving Boba Fett and a pre-Guinness, post-prequel Obi Wan Kenobi also feature on financial spreadsheets in the Disney halls of power, with things like “GOLDMINE!” and “SUREFIRE $$$$” written in alarming hues next to them.
But what about those lesser characters left by the wayside? The unsung enigmas toiling in the background, whose histories will remain untold? For all his film-making shortcomings – and, let’s face it, he’s a hack so they are legion – George Lucas populated his universe with hundreds of characters ripe with potential. So stick your Wedges and Ackbars up your thermal exhaust port, Disney – these are the spin-offs you should be making.
Bib Fortuna
Fondly known by his friends as “that bloke in Jabba’s palace with the big willy on his head”, Bib Fortuna’s origins have already been fleshed out in the Star Wars Expanded Universe. But Disney has effectively taken the EU – made up of decades’ worth of books, games and comics – and thrown them down a deep hole to never be spoken of again, meaning it’s free to make up Fortuna’s history as it sees fit.
How did Bib get his job as Jabba’s illustrious, and also fairly rubbish, doorman? What are the perks? Dental cover is presumably not among them. Imagine delving into his home life – the wife and kids neglected because of his dedication to his job – as he turns to drink and then goes on the run after one “Oi, cockhead!” comment too many leads to a brutal murder. Admit it, this sounds amazing.
MSE Mouse Droid
The blocky little critter from the original Death Star may not seem like the most fascinating incidental character on the surface – it’s small, simple, and its only contribution to the films is abject cowardice. But ask yourself: why is it such a coward? What happened in its previous experience to instil such fear? What horrors has it seen? And then the possibilities of delving into its dark and depraved past become apparent.
Perhaps its little robot-ty village was ravaged by marauding Wookiees. Perhaps it bore witness to horrendous toastercide. Or perhaps it mum-bot died, and the MSE dressed up in its clothes, ran a motel and murdered Janet Leigh, before absconding to the Death Star. Or something. A bracing journey into the heart of darkness.
The stormtrooper who didn’t shoot
“Hold your fire, there’s no life forms aboard.” These words, uttered by imperial soldier Captain Bolvan at the beginning of the original Star Wars must, at best, have got him sacked. His decision – presumably a result of prohibitively expensive laser bolts – allowed C-3PO and R2-D2 to travel to Tatooine, meet Luke Skywalker, and set into motion the events that led to the Empire’s demise. This man is an idiot.
Wracked by the shame of his incompetence and shunned by his friends and family, the soldier – let’s call him Eric, because there aren’t enough Erics in Star Wars – finds himself in the criminal underbelly of the galaxy’s illegal fight clubs. Eventually victorious, bloody and battered, he wins back his wife – let’s call her Erica, because there aren’t enough Ericas in Star Wars – by screaming her name through his punch-fattened lips, in a scene in no way ripped from the end of Rocky. This has “Oscar” written all over it.
Cornelius Evazan
The bloke from the Mos Eisley cantina who looks like someone uprooted the entire ugly tree and ruthlessly bludgeoned him with it. According to the now-defunct official canon, Evazan purported to be a surgeon. His nickname, “Doctor Death”, gives you some clue as to his abilities in the field.
It’s time we had a Star Wars horror film, and a low-budget nasty about Evazan sewing arses to faces, nicking kidneys and generally being a medical nuisance would obviously be the greatest horror film ever made. He’d be played by Tom Hardy, because everybody nowadays is played by Tom Hardy.
The Death Star Trash Compactor monster
Every day is the same. More rubbish, more schlopping about in said rubbish, sleep, repeat. The monster – a “dianoga” – yearns for companionship. As conversationalists, boxes and pipes, generally ignorant of the works of Keats and the entropy of the universe, leave much to be desired. One day, three people tumble into the compactor like angels from the heavens. The dianoga, delighted, hugs one of them, and is shot for its affections. The people leave, and the dianoga is alone once more. A single tear falls from its eye, lost in the ocean of goop that is its prison.
This heartbreaking prologue kicks off a stirring romcom, in which the monster (voiced by Meg Ryan) decides to make a change. It’s heard rumours of another beast in a compactor on the other side of the station, and sets off. Japes ensue, soundtracked by songs like 9 to 5 and Man, I Feel Like a Woman, across two hours of heartache and hilarity, before the monster eventually tracks down its soulmate (Tom Hanks). The two embrace. It’s perfect. This is happiness. Is that fireworks they can hear? Wait … nope. It’s the Death Star exploding. They both die in agony. The end. Oscars.
