There’s a possibility that Tom Brady has created Merch Madness.
In case you missed it, the new Tampa Buccaneers quarterback filed to secure trademark rights to the phrases “Tompa Bay” and “Tampa Brady” for various branding opportunities. The move caused the land of public opinion to reach a level of Creamsicle Orange over the weekend, peppered with a barrage of both applause and boos.
And while either side makes a strong argument, one thing is crystal clear: During the current sports drought, the trend should absolutely continue in the NFL, creating be a fun one-up in personal branding that multiplies across the league like a drenched Mogwai.
Brady has already tempted this possible think tank, suggesting that Drew Brees should snag the “Drew Orleans” trademark—and why stop there?!
Of course, not everyone is an “idea man,” so here a few other can’t-miss suggestions that deserve an email to the trademark office.
Atlanta Falcons: Matt Ryan
Mattlanta
The NFC South actually has a few other people who have the perfect slogan, right there waiting for the taking, and it begins with the Falcons.
The current focus in Atlanta seems to be between Todd Gurley, Deion Sanders, and the number 21. But all of that could easily be knocked out of “Prime Time” should Matty Ice step out of self-quarantine with a Mattlanta Falcons sleeveless t-shirt.
Baltimore Ravens: Lamar Jackson
Baltlamar
The NFL’s 2019 MVP has erased a ton of doubt across the league, both on the ground and through the air. Lamar Jackson is the Baltimore Ravens. And Baltimore Ravens are Lamar.
And now, they are one: BaltLamar!
Carolina Panthers: Matt Rhule
Carolina Rhules!
The NFC South will be a marketing Battle Royale, a real tug-of-war between Drew, Tom, and the Panthers’ new head coach, Matt Rhule.
Cincinnati Bengals: Andy Dalton
CincinAndy Bengals!
Dalton is one NFL player who might see an odd benefit from the delayed issues due to the COVID-19 pandemic. It’s been expected that the Bengals will draft Joe Burrow, and Dalton will head elsewhere. But the unknown state of things puts Cincy in an interesting spot—do they keep No. 14 around as a mentor? If so…
The storybook needs a cover, you know?
Cleveland Browns: Jarvis Landry
Clevelandry!
Not a place where cornerbacks want to get caught flat-footed.
And regardless if that on-field threat turns out to be more of a fizzled 2019 prediction than an actual 2020 reality, this slogan is fun and could even be accompanied by Landry’s infamous “Blessings” chirp from HBO’s Hard Knocks in the form of an emoji.
Indianapolis Colts: Philip Rivers
I was meant to lead the c 𝙱̶ olts!
Philip Rivers opens a new era of Indianapolis Colts football…for at least one season, anyway. Last year, the fan base was left to endure countless “Out of Luck” jabs while hoping that Jacoby Brissett could provide an unexpected spark. Now, the franchise has a top-tier QB—and a slogan that’s equal parts “funny-ha-ha” and potentially awesome truth.
Jacksonville Jaguars: Gardner Minshew
Jaguar King
It’s Gardner’s team down in Jacksonville—until further notice—and that type of unknown range of entertainment is worthy of a fitting Florida-based documentary title. The photoshop possibilities alone are a marketing gem.
Los Angeles Rams: Les Snead
Les is more
The Rams head into a new stadium in 2020 with uncertainty after 2019 didn’t provide the sequel the team had desired after its Super Bowl run in 2018. Now, there are issues with a new logo that caused Eric Dickerson to go nuclear while attempting to get it changed—and the rest of the offseason has been an exodus of free agents. But, if general manager Les Snead et all can get the script voided of the more existential qualities and actually start with a simple framework, then the setting is there for a decent Part 3. (And yes, there’s a possibility of going with Les Angeles…but that seems boring.)
Miami Dolphins: Tua Tagovailoa
Dolphin-safe Tua
Sure, this marketing jackpot only works if the Dolphins take Tua Tagovailoa at No. 4. But if they do scoop up the former Alabama quarterback, then Miami’s fan base is in for a real merchandising treat.
Shirts, mugs, and without question, a foam hat shaped like a can of tunafish (think Cheesehead or NHL hockey puck) that has Tua’s likeness is waiting for this brand.
New England Patriots: Bill Belichick
I’m not a G.O.A.T. farmer
Man, what a hoodie this will make!
Bill Belichick is over Tom Brady and on to building the next championship mold in New England. But that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t jump into the ring and have a little fun, while throwing a little side-smirking at his old leader of the offense.
Philadelphia Eagles: Rick Lovato
City of Brotherly Lovato
Hey, if a GM can get into this marketing game, then so can a Pro Bowl long snapper.
Seattle Seahawks: DK Metcalf
Seattle’s Best Decaf Metcalf
Metcalf is a beast of a receiver, with talented flashes of brilliance that can leave even seasoned play-by-play announcers tongue-tied. This was the case with ESPN’s Joe Tessitore, who, back in 2019, shouted “Decaf Metcalf!” It will forever stand as verbal art, the beauty of unexpected bursts of excitement in sports, and belongs on coffee mugs, shirts, and maybe even as an actual blend of coffee.
Washington Redskins
Washington Haskins
A simple play on the team’s much-debated name, Haskins can wear this logo on shirts, wristbands—the works!—while answering all the comparison questions about new coach Ron Rivera and old coach, Jay Gruden.
