Be scared. Be very scared ... Surallun gives the finger to the Dragons' Den team. Photograph: Rolf Marriott/BBC
Previously thought to be solitary beasts, it is becoming increasingly clear that Dragons hunt in pairs. First, Peter Jones criticised rival programme The Apprentice for being unrealistic and now Theo Paphitis has joined in the dissing. Showing the shrewdness that has made him La Senza's bra and panties saviour, Paphitis notes how contestants "all live in a house together and are given tasks", like Big Brother. It would be churlish to point out that Dragons' Dens is just X Factor for entrepreneurs but, well, Dragons' Dens is just X Factor for entrepreneurs so maybe Theo needs to keep his pie hostel shut?
Though we may be waiting for a withering response from Surallun, It seems that the two shows might be squaring up. Which means a definitive comparison is in order. Let us see how Dragons' Den and The Apprentice match up in key reality TV categories. It's a bit like a job interview... FROM HELL.
Drama The Apprentice boardroom is always memorable. Think of it as It's a Wonderful Life in reverse: by means of appraising your existence, you are shown all the horrible, useless things you've done and how everyone would be better off if you were never born. But the Den devilishly combines the naked terror of the hopefuls fronting their pitch with the secondary level of backbiting between the Dragons as they seek to secure outbid or out-wisecrack each other. Victor: Dragons' Den.
Comedy Could anything be funnier than the foreign driving glove or the coffee table media centre the Dragons guffawed at? Why, yes - Simon's trampette assembly turmoil, Nargis's six-million-ways-to-die cat calendar pitch and the Tre vs Rory showdown. Score one for Nick and Margaret. Victor: The Apprentice.
Supporting cast Evan Davis in the Dragons' corner is affable but does seem to delight in stating the obvious. Adrian Chiles, on the other hand, fronts one of the best ancillary shows around in You're Fired. Victor: The Apprentice.
The fear factor No one can badger, bully and humiliate like Surallun. His boardroom beatdowns have caused more children's nightmares than the Dark Knight and should be strictly X-rated. But in the Den, the sheer aggregate weight of contempt from Duncan Bannatyne and Deborah Meaden makes you feel like God himself is passing judgment. Victor: Dragons' Den. This is going to a tense tie-break.
Real-life business relevance Yes, The Apprentice showcases some of the worst business decisions ever made but at least half these people were able to hold their own impressive jobs (well, Global Pricing Leader sounds impressive at least). Chumps in the Dragons' Den, meanwhile, consistently forget the oft-repeated holy trinity of turnover, gross profit and net profit. This would never happen on The Apprentice where hopefuls just forget what race they are. Victor: The Apprentice.
This crucial victory means Surallun and co still preside over the classiest reality TV show on the box.
But who gets your nod? Is the corporate porn of The Apprentice what gets you off or do the Dragons' Den money shots hit the spot? Is Theo Paphitis right to compare The Apprentice to Big Brother, or is he just a maniac obsessed with his children's inheritance?
