This year’s X Factor is giving me a bizarre sense of deja vu, and not just because Louis Walsh hasn’t aged a day since 2008. Cheryl is back, and so is Simon, as well as finalists Paul Akister and Jake Quickenden, who had both made it through to the judges’ houses stage in previous years. In fact, during auditions, there were so many returnees that it risked dampening any sense of jeopardy. If a contestant’s make-or-break performance flopped, it’s a safe bet that they’ll return next series for another chance – because X Factor auditionees have become like cold sores. They may disappear, but you know they’ll be back.
This weekend, finalist Fleur East became the first person to have competed in two sets of live shows, having previously made it to the finals back in 2005 with her girl group Addictive Ladies (who, it turned out, weren’t addictive at all, and got sent packing after the first week). The revelation that contestants can be voted out during the finals and then re-audition in subsequent years is a game-changer. Does this mean that, say, Chris Maloney could just keep entering every year until the whole country develops a collective case of Stockholm syndrome and crowns him winner in 2046? Are we about to witness the return of Wagner, as foretold by Nostradamus? Will Chico inherit the earth??
An X Factor representative told me: “As Fleur was part of a group originally and is now a solo artist, she is deemed a separate act. If a solo artist made the live shows this year and was voted off, they wouldn’t be permitted to return another year.” But that doesn’t stop the best members of previous bands returning as solo acts, or rejected solo artists banding together to form supergroups. Here are the contestants who should do just that (feel free to argue in the comments).
Any member of Miss Frank
Miss Frank’s brief but dazzling X Factor career was cut devastatingly short when they were eliminated in week three of series six. At the time of their exit, the group put their lack of votes down to the fact that their fans probably didn’t have enough phone credit to vote – offering about 50 times more insight into their audience than you’d be likely to hear at a meeting of record company execs. Whether it was Graziella adding a spirited rap breakdown to That’s Life or Shaniece Davis showcasing a collection of weaves that would put Lady Gaga to shame, any one of the trio could be resurrected as a solo act safe in the knowledge that they’d offer more star quality per ounce than Jay James and Ben Whatsisname combined (no offence, Ben Whatsisname).
2 Shoes: the re-up
2 Shoes have the questionable honour of being the only duo in X Factor history to have proven more divisive than Jedward. Their first, and only, live shows performance was defined by the astonishing quantity of lipstick that Lucy managed to smear around her face, but they deserved to stay in the competition on the strength of their matching gold lamé maxi-dresses alone. Since appearing on X Factor in 2011, they have released one poorly received single, but their Twitter game has remained ultra-strong (sample tweet: “Looking to buy some Human hair, get in touch”), indicating that they have plenty more to offer the viewing public. As they can’t re-enter as the same act, I suggest the introduction of a third shoe, giving them two left feet. Or they could just team up with Jedward and act as some kind of post-apocalyptic Abba.
A new girlband
X Factor loves throwing together a gaggle of young acts not quite talented enough to make it through on their own merits, based on the flawed logic that it’s somehow easier to harmonise with strangers than hit a note on your own. Imagine an alternative universe in which groups were stocked with performers who could conceivably hold an audience’s attention even without the addition of four – or in the case of X Factor’s new boyband Stereo Kicks, seven – other people. Enter popular also-rans Cher Lloyd, Amelia Lily, Tamera Foster and Misha B, who could potentially make a pretty convincing girlband. As long as someone remembers to hide the cutlery.
