Shilpa Shetty emerges victorious from the Big Brother house. Photograph: Leon Neal/AFP
"It's been a rollercoaster," said Shilpa, trotting out that tried and tested metaphor after winning Celebrity Big Brother last night. I'd say it was more like that bladder-popping ride in which we all start at the top and plunge straight down to the bottom - very fast and with lots of screaming and shouting en route. It has certainly been a journey. Having started January ardently in favour of Big Brother, I'm welcoming February in a state of ambivalence for the future of reality TV.
Celebrity Big Brother 5 was one long playground scrap that got screened worldwide. There were no replacement celebrities for the ones that left - were the likes of Jeanette Krankie too busy to step in? No secret missions for individual housemates and no hidden rooms stashed with contrabands or booze for the lucky few. In short, where was the entertainment? Note to producers: three contestants bitching endlessly on plastic banquettes does not an enjoyable programme make.
I watched yesterday's final with my hands over my eyes as Jack and Danielle left, their fixed grins of disbelief slowly melting as the consequences of their actions sunk in. Thankfully, it's all over and those of us who stuck with it are now free to do something more life-affirming - perhaps itemise the sock drawer or search for change down the back of the couch. The choice is yours.
But what have we learned? Not a lot - although with Shilpa's win I hope we finally stop using the excuse that Big Brother holds up a mirror to society. There was only one point where this may have been true. A slow, lingering shot somewhere in week two of housemates sat at the table doing nothing - just waiting in silence. It was like Ingmar Bergman interpreted by Steps and S-Club 7. For those of us sat in silence watching at home, it was one freshly painted wall eyeing up another.
I did appreciate Jermaine Jackson's sporadic lessons of enlightenment. "Kindness is a strength," he told us from behind his large mirrored aviator sunglasses during his eviction interview. He really should have saved that nugget of wisdom for the producers.
Perhaps they'll take it into account as they audition the next batch of housemates for Big Brother 8? Somehow I doubt it.
