Dear Eva,
I know you generally tell people to give online dating another go but after you hear my story, I think you’ll agree that I should just quit.
I think online dating is not suitable for me.
Last time I did online dating I got about 200 likes in the first two days but only 20 messages by the end of the week (...) I’d be very happy with 20 messages a week but my problem is with the quality of the men who message me: they are not close enough to my age (around 10 years younger or over 10 years older), they have very little conversation – usually limited to ‘Hi what’s up’ – and then they they disappear. People have suggested that I look at dating men in their mid 40s but I feel this is too old for me.
(Also, I should say that I have a skin allergy which means that I can’t wear makeup and I can’t tart myself up for my profile. I hate the camera. I am really awkward and generally don’t take good photos.)
If I do eventually meet a man, one of the following usually happens: we don’t click; he asks me back to his on the first date, I refuse and he disappears; and then there is the occasional man who I go on three dates with (I know chemistry takes a while to develop and I can’t afford to be fussy) but I don’t feel the chemistry.
***
Hey, you.
Some years ago an elderly relative of mine discovered the existence of online dating – I guess she read about it in the newspaper or something. Worried, as ever, about my failure to find a husband, she suggested it: ‘Eva,’ she said, ‘I know that you don’t have a boyfriend, but have you tried this online dating?’ At the time, of course, I’d been dating online on and off for at least a couple years. ‘Yes,’ I said, smiling to conceal my gritted teeth, ‘I have tried it.’ ‘Oh,’ said my elderly relative, with unconcealed disappointment, ‘I mean, I have heard that it is an effective way to meet single men, but perhaps not always.’
Rarely have I felt like such a failure: here was this system that, in the eyes of my relative, had been designed explicitly for difficult single women like me, and yet I persisted in turning up at family weddings without a plus one. There must be something really wrong with me if even that was not successful.
You enumerate the reasons that online dating hasn’t worked for you so far – perhaps genuine reasons, perhaps reasons that are related more to your own perception rather than reality (you point out that you are a mature student, but a half-full glass kind person will see that as brave and inspiring, rather than a lack of career direction). Regardless, you are stating a strong argument about why you think online dating is not for you, and to this I say: that is more than fine. As I wrote in my first column, meeting people through dating websites and apps is going to feel pretty grim for you and anyone you go on a date with if your heart’s not in it. Society may tell you that going online is the primary route that people use to meet partners in these modern times, but you’re under no obligation.
You’re also not obligated to make an argument as to why you’re giving online dating a miss: most of the points that you make here point to you being the reason that you feel haven’t been successful. This is incorrect. You are not the problem. The problem is that it’s often hard to fall in love.
Sometimes I also wonder if I have an intrinsic flaw that has caused me to be single. What measures could I take to improve myself? Elocution lessons? Better eyeliner application? Should I tell fewer jokes or color my hair or stop writing a column about online dating in the Guardian? But here’s what I know in my heart of hearts: there’s nothing to fix. No magic solution. I just haven’t met the right person. The only thing I can do is stay open to meeting new people. Doing it online may feel efficient compared to trying to force a supermarket aisle meet-cute. But it’s by no means necessary. So don’t feel you need to keep explaining your choice to date online or not – to yourself or to anyone else. Not even well-meaning elderly relatives.
Love,
Eva
