NEIGH-SAYERS
Hello up there! Helllooooo! Room for one more? No? But surely if we climbed up you could squeeze us in somewhere? We’re only little! Yes, we can see there’s lots of people on the high horse already. What if we just cling on to its mane? We can go where? No we will not, he’s not even gelded! We’re not in the market for a low bit of horse. Hang on, we can see a Fiver-shaped spot right there, just next to the hate-peddlers! What do you mean we don’t belong there? We’ll have you know we can be insufferably sanctimonious given half a chance! Hey! Come back! Well, forget the high horse. Head & Shoulders was on a three for two at the corner shop, and it won’t take a moment to work ourselves into a lather. Here we go. Sod it, we’ll just empty the thing on to our head and start rubbing. Ooh, yeah, that is bubblicious …
Sorry reader, it’s just that it’s Thursday, and sometimes it takes a bit of effort to get in a proper huff about stuff that happened a while ago and wasn’t really that infuriating even then. We’ll be with you in a moment. Hang on … nearly there … right. Ready. Pictures of Wayne Rooney driving his personalised Audi Q7 into Manchester United’s training ground on Thursday morning showed him sporting the kind of grin that you wouldn’t expect to find on the face of a brazen drunkard, though to be fair if The Fiver were driving a personalised Audi Q7 into Manchester United’s training ground we’d be grinning too. Even with a hangover.
It’s five days now since Rooney gatecrashed a wedding at a trendy Hertfordshire hotel, and since then revelations about his behaviour on that fateful night have been spurting out like lager from a bar-room tap. We’ve learned, for example, that when he attempted to play the piano he “was just mashing the keys so you couldn’t really make out a tune”. The horror! When will footballers finally get the message about public musical performance? Rooney seems to spend more time pondering double whiskeys than treble clefs but if he doesn’t always look much like a footballer these days, at least he sounds like one, which is to say, unforgivably awful. Other witnesses said he “could hardly speak”, while a succession of blurry photographs show him slack-jawed and boggle-eyed.
To call Rooney’s ensuing apology half-hearted would be to massively exaggerate the amount of heart it contained. It was no-hearted. It was hardly even kidneyed. It was third-tonsilled. A spokesman said only that he had “unreservedly apologised” to Gareth Southgate, and added that “he would like to extend that apology to any young fans who have seen these pictures”. That’s perhaps the most reserved apology The Fiver has ever heard. What about Rooney’s middle-aged and older fans? And look now, here’s Jürgen Klopp, saying that “all the legends we love and admire drank like devils and smoked like crazy”, which hardly seems like the right message.
So another chapter is added to England’s bulging bumper book of booze-based bungling. Just the other day, The Fiver was reading one about another time England players let loose back at the team hotel after a Wembley victory. This was back in July 1966, after they’d just beaten Argentina in some quarter-final. Nobby Stiles, legendary gap-toothed Manchester United midfielder, admitted that “we all got well and truly drunk”. For shame! With another game just three days away, and all. Worst of all, the manager was in on it! “Alf [Ramsey] was sat over in the corner and never said a word,” Stiles said. These days it doesn’t take much to get an England manager sacked, and Ramsey would have been out on his ear before breakfast. The whole thing’s just an absolute disgrace. And what did his team achieve after that, eh?
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I stand by everything that I have ever said about the disaster, both inside and outside the House of Commons, including about Mr Bettison’s role in the aftermath, and the long fight of the families and survivors for truth and justice. Far from being ‘untold’, the book is a rehash of the usual narcissistic and partial account from Mr Bettison” – Merseyside Labour MP Maria Eagle on the new book by former police chief Norman Bettison, who has also been criticised by families of people unlawfully killed at Hillsborough in 1989 for writing about the disaster in which he portrays himself as the victim of a witch-hunt.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Join AC Jimbo and co for the latest thrilling instalment of Football Weekly Extra. And you can now get tickets for the next live pod, in Belfast on 13 December.
FIVER LETTERS
“It’s often said that footballers these days are out of touch with the fans, and the latest Wayne Rooney episode only serves to highlight this. I’m the same age as Rooney and when I go out I can’t make it beyond half past 10 without falling asleep, being thrown out of the pub and being sick in a taxi” – Gary Mantle.
“Re: the Mannequin Challenge (yesterday’s Fiver). Can somebody explain to me what exactly is challenging about standing still for a photograph?” – Matthew Atkinson.
“I can sympathise to some extent with Liverpool having to play two games in 46 hours over new year (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs), but the second game is against Sunderland. I think the New Year’s Eve party can go ahead as planned” – David Sutherland.
“May I point out that Liverpool have already played two matches in 48 hours this season – well, technically pre-season – when the Reds routed Barcelona 4-0 at Wembley on 6 August (in the well-known International Champions Cup game, no less) before aptly losing 4-0 to Mainz the next day. Truly, a most Liverpool weekend” – Sam Brooke.
“Looking like the result of a teleportation accident involving Jim Davidson and Freddie Starr, appearing constantly sweaty even when you’re not, referring to yourself in the third person all the time, and all while making a poor fist of any number of management jobs … Mansfield Town fans must be positively besides themselves at the prospect of ‘getting Steve Evans’s life’ (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs)” – Jason Tew.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is Gary Mantle, who receives a copy of Football Manager 2017 from those good people at Football Manager Towers, and it’s out now! We’ve got plenty more copies to give away, so if you want one, keep the letters coming.
SUPPORT THE GUARDIAN
Producing the Guardian’s thoughtful, in-depth journalism – the stuff not normally found in this email, obviously – is expensive, but supporting us isn’t. If you value our journalism, please support us by making a one-off or recurring contribution.
BITS AND BOBS
Neil Warnock has described himself as “sad and sickened” to read Andy Woodward’s harrowing story about the years of abuse he encountered at Crewe. “I know how hard this has been for him and that he’s been in a terrible state at times,” said Warnock, who managed Woodward at Bury and Sheffield United. “I just hope other people can be brave enough to come forward now.”
Former Steaua Bucharest, Atlético Madrid and Romania defender Daniel Prodan has died at the age of 44 after suffering a heart attack.
Manchester United’s debt has risen by 18% to almost £338m, in part due to the referendum result and its “impact of foreign exchange rate movements on US dollar denominated debt”. Maybe that’s why people voted to leave.
Excitement ahoy! Gareth Southgate wants to get his scrawl on a four-year England contract asap. “He’s made it clear over the last week that he’s convinced he wants the job,” whooped FA blazer Martin Glenn, before belatedly bolting the stable door: “Look, this interview process has to be discreet.”
Police in Kosovo say they recently prevented simultaneous attacks by Islamic State, including one on Israel’s national team that played a World Cup qualifier in Albania.
It’s that time of year again. Arsenal will head to Manchester United without the knacked Héctor Bellerín, while Alexis Sánchez’s fitness is in the TBC camp.
Toni Duggan scored a screamer as Manchester City overcame Brondby to reach Women’s Big Cup quarter-finals. “I’m delighted to be on the scoresheet. It’s been incredible this year,” she cheered.
The state of the Checkatrade Trophy: part XXXIV.
After 11 games without a win, Bury have told manager David Flitcroft to do one.
And League One rivals Gillingham can’t be far from doing likewise with Justin Edinburgh, after losing 4-3 at Brackley Town in an FA Cup first-round replay – again. “I woke up shocked, embarrassed, humiliated, disappointed and very angry,” fumed chairman Paul Scally. “We both recognise there are some serious problems with the team. The manager has to address those issues.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Lynden Gooch, Sunderland’s midfielder with the 1950s cricket name, in conversation with Louise Taylor.
With Zlatan Ibrahimovic out of the way, Marcus Rashford can now show how he’s Manchester United’s ideal No9, writes Jamie Jackson.
Here’s Nick Miller with feelgood vibes for Arsenal’s weekend visit to Old Trafford: remembering the day in 1984 that Ron Atkinson’s United unleashed a fearful hammering on the Gunners, before blowing their title charge.
Messi, king of the nutmegs, plus barrels scraped to showcase $tevie Mbe and Frank Lampard: the MLS Years. Classic YouTube it is, then.
It’s Matthew Hall’s turn to give US men’s soccerball a booting.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. AND INSTACHAT, TOO!
