The Accountant is an unlikely blockbuster. Yes, it’s a film where Batman gets into loads of punch-ups – but it’s about, well, an accountant. Perhaps The Accountant’s popularity is down to a simple case of wish-fulfilment. Perhaps millions of real-life accountants bought tickets to watch their profession get a sexy Hollywood makeover. If that’s the case, here are eight more guaranteed blockbusters itching to be made.
The Tree Surgeon
Darren (Hugh Jackman) is removing a particularly tricky beech stump from the garden of evil millionaire Kevin Spacey. An expert lip-reader thanks to his time in the FBI, Darren one day spies Spacey shouting “Poison the children!” into his phone through a bathroom window. This man must be stopped, so Darren does the only thing he can: he fits six chainsaws on to his bandolier and gears up … for war.
The Recruitment Consultant
Maxine (Megan Fox) works for a leading recruitment consultancy in Barnstaple. One day, the quiet tedium of her job is interrupted by sexy stranger Taylor Lautner. “I have a position to be filled,” Lautner tells Maxine. “Key skills will include horse-riding, remote bomb disposal, bare-knuckle fighting and having sex with Russians in exchange for state secrets. Own car a must.” This awakens something deep in Maxine’s soul. Could she be the position that Taylor Lautner wants to fill?
The Checkout Assistant
Pam (Charlize Theron) works in a Nuneaton branch of Tesco Express, unwillingly ceding more and more responsibilities to her arch-nemesis, the self-service checkout machine. One day, on a scrap of receipt, she reads the words “DESTRUCTION OF HUMANITY TIMETABLE”. Could the self-service machines be planning to rise up and destroy the human race as we know it? Pam goes home, gets her gun and prepares for … battle.
The Life Model
Barry (JK Simmons) spends his days standing naked before endless Women’s Institute drawing classes, wondering what happened to all his dreams and aspirations. But one day he’s shaken from his torpor by a sexy Russian stranger (Michelle Rodriguez) who claims to be new to the area. After a few classes, Barry hangs back to see how she’s chosen to portray him. To his astonishment, rather than a portrait of him, he sees that the stranger has actually painted a detailed blueprint of the Pentagon, with areas clearly marked for the deployment of dirty bombs. There is no time to waste. This stranger must be stopped … at any cost.
The Fruit Grader
Justin (Tom Holland) is keen to earn some extra cash grading soft fruit at a local farm during the school holidays. His speed and diligence quickly catches the attention of farmer Joe Pesci. “Hey kid,” Pesci tells him. “You’ve got the goods. I’m looking for someone to help me with a bigger job – murdering the president of the United States of America. Whaddaya say?” Justin faces the biggest dilemma of his life: should he follow his head and keep grading fruit, or follow his heart and shoot the leader of the free world in the face with a bazooka at the say-so of a farmer?
The Apple Product Designer
Josh (Shia LaBeouf) is a new intern at the Apple product design facility in California. On his first day, Jony Ive (Vin Diesel) calls a meeting. “I’m pleased to announce the next phase of our product roll-out,” Ive tells the assembled crowd. “Ladies and gentleman, I give you … the Apple Trilby.” It is a hat, with a screen on the underside of its rim. Josh is confused – is this man really suggesting that humanity’s next technological leap involves hurting your eyes looking up at a screen on a hat? Josh wonders what Ive has to hide. Maybe this conspiracy goes all the way to the top…
The McDonald’s Saturday Boy
Tony (Andrew Garfield) starts his first shift at a Huddersfield branch of McDonald’s. During his health and safety initiation, he’s stunned to realise that the first letter of each bullet point on the introductory HACCP handout spells the phrase “EXPLODE THE QUEEN”. Could the bosses of a successful fast food corporation want to blow up the reigning monarch of the United Kingdom? Tony is certain that they could.
The Freelance Journalist
Stuart (Gary Busey) is a work-from-home freelance journalist preparing to liveblog the X Factor semi-final. Just as the show begins, his Wi-Fi cuts out. Could it be that his malevolent internet service provider has deliberately restricted his internet access because it doesn’t want people to hear the truth? Stuart does the only thing he can: he goes upstairs, unpacks his bazooka and braces himself for a battle to the death that goes all the way to the top … at any cost.
