He doesn’t ask! The one thing everyone wants to know from Prince Philip right now is whether he and the Queen are watching The Crown – plus maybe a little about what they think of it, how accurate it is, whether the Queen really kneels, to knight him Down There, so to speak, arise Sir Little Philip. And Phillip Schofield, given the perfect opportunity with When Phillip Met Philip: 60 Years of the Duke of Edinburgh’s Award (ITV), bottles it.
To be fair, Phillip with two Ls has almost certainly been told he can’t ask Philip with one about anything at all apart from the Duke of Edinburgh’s award. And Joanna Lumley has warned him not to ask the Duke about himself, because he doesn’t like it. But he could have at least have tried it on – cheekily – on their final meeting (of four, throughout the year).
The first is at a horsey event at Windsor. “Your Royal Highness, very nice to see you Sir, what a couple of days, wonderful couple of days, absolutely stunning,” Phillip begins, going in hard, with a little bow. “I just wanted to have a couple of words, if that’s all right, about the Duke of Edinburgh’s award. It must be very satisfying …”
And that’s how the ITV man’s questioning (if you can call it that) goes on over their meetings, at various DofE award events at Buckingham Palace, Edinburgh, St James’s Palace. To precis: “Fell ponies are they? Extraordinary day, Sir; it must be very gratifying; I met a chap from Brixton, never been out of south London and he became part of the Duke of Edinburgh’s award scheme, saw the stars for the first time, and he’s now an astrophysicist; what do you think of the importance of the awards …”
Oh, and Phillip is getting into the DofE adventure spirit himself. “I agreed to do a challenge Sir, for the awards themselves, I’m going to wing walk.” “Really?” says Philip. “Yes, for you Sir.” Is it really necessary to say Sir quite so often? It’s making me wince. Maybe it is the correct way to address him, but this is 2016 and it just sounds wrong. The Duke burbles back, not overenthusiastically: “Who’s trying to get rid of you; I wouldn’t open your mouth [he’s actually talking about the wing-walking but he could mean in general]; the ponies are the same; he’s a fellow idiot; what is it this time, how many more times have I got to do this, go next door …” He seems to be getting more and more irritated by the obsequious little man from breakfast television, and by the end of it is clearly itching to shake him off. Go next door, go anyway, just go away.
Schofield boasts that he’s the “only one person who has been allowed to chat to him for the telly” and of the “increasingly rare access” he’s getting, but actually his chats don’t amount to much, in insight or even in time. Seven minutes of interview in total by my watch, which leaves some big gaps in an hour of TV. To be filled with Phillip S going to – sorry, getting exclusive invitations to – a lot of boring events (a service, more awards stuff, fundraisers, lawn handshaking etc); with his wing walk (undeniably ballsy, plus it’s amusing to see the spare skin being blown off his face); with some royal home videos (I say, has Charles given himself a pair of breasts in that one?); and with input from some of Prince Philip’s closest friends and family – Joanna L, Dame Judy D, Sir Roger M, Sophie and Edward.
Phillip’s not a curmudgeonly old fart after all, apparently. He’s an action hero, pretty much the original James Bond, a fine cricketer, sailor and horseman, and he played a lead role in establishing “the modern sport of carriage driving”. He’s incredibly busy, also witty and sharp, a marvellous painter, wonderful family man, father, grandfather, husband, and barbecuer (Philip is a better griller of grouse than Phillip is of Philip, it seems).
Certainly, Schofield is convinced and inspired – to do more daredevilry and get into more kowtowery. “I’ve learned a lot in the time I’ve spent with you and the time I’ve spent with the people who work so closely with the Duke of Edinburgh’s award,” he tells the Duke during their final meeting. “Thank you, Sir …” Oh do be quiet. He’s practically kneeling now, maybe he’s going to crawl – backwards probably – round the back and right up the royal rectum.
I still want to know if he – Prince Philip, and his wife – are watching The Crown. You would, wouldn’t you? I’m watching it, and I think I’d rather be married to Matt Smith’s Philip than Philip’s.
