Wine bars have been undergoing a bit of a renaissance over the past few years. And that’s great. Wine is good. It improves most places – we like it in bars, in restaurants, in cinemas, on sofas, on trains: all the ways. Jokes are funnier on wine. People are more attractive. Basically, drinking wine is fun. But there is a limit to where it’s fun to drink wine. And that limit, I suggest, is Starbucks.
It’s not the only chain that has decided to get in on some of that sweet night-time drinking money. Waitrose now has its own range of in-store wine bars, allowing imagination-free drinkers from Horsham to King’s Cross to sip £5 glasses of prosecco mere metres away from aisles filled with bleach and dried pasta. Pret is nearly six months into an attempt to rebrand itself as a pre-theatre restaurant by chucking £16 bottles of merlot on to its menu and having one its sandwich preparers stand at the door like a make-believe maître d’. But enough is enough. Last week, Starbucks launched a “Star Reserve” branch in London, which accentuates its £6 cups of coffee with a 10-strong wine list that – according to the press blurb – is part of a “multi-sensory” experience. Which sounds pretty classy. Until you realise that the same description applies to listening to Maroon 5 in a damp, smelly room.
Listen, Starbucks: writing the names of four kinds of red wine on a card and serving overpriced dips won’t start us yelling, “Sod the restaurant! Let’s eat dinner in that place that does the shitty watery coffee!”Imagine a friend catching you slugging plonk next to a powered-down Pret sandwich chiller. You may as well bulk print T-shirts that say: “PITY ME! I HAVE NO IMAGINATION!”
The beauty of wine is that it is relaxing. It is the complete opposite of a trip to the supermarket. And if you’re attempting to savour a fruity drop of sauvignon, you don’t want to do it in the soulless atmos provided by one of the multi-squillion dollar coffee pimps. You want it to be as far away as possible from anywhere you’re likely to hear the phrase “unexpected item in the bagging area”. What kind of world are we living in when Starbucks is considered a suitable wine bar? What a terrifying thought. Best open a bottle of wine.
