It often slips out during a minor disagreement about a purchase. Perhaps you bought something you loved, or maybe you suggested a vacation that was a little pricey. He looks at you, his face tightens, and then he says it: “Well, it’s my money.” While those three words might seem small, they can signal a massive problem in your relationship.
This phrase is more than just a statement about finances. In fact, it’s a declaration of power that draws a line in the sand, separating you from the financial security of your shared life. For women, especially those in partnerships where they earn less or are not the primary breadwinner, this is a dangerous red flag you cannot afford to ignore.
It’s a Clear Power Play
When a partner says, “it’s my money,” they are not just stating a fact; instead, they are asserting dominance. This phrase deliberately frames the financial dynamic as unequal. Consequently, it implies that the person who earns the money holds all the decision-making power.
In a healthy partnership, however, income is seen as a household resource, regardless of who earns it, and decisions are made together. This statement turns a partnership into a hierarchy, placing you on the lower rung. Ultimately, it’s a way to control you by controlling the resources.
It Invalidates Your Unpaid Contributions
This mindset completely ignores the immense value of non-monetary contributions. Do you manage the household? Do you care for the children? Furthermore, do you handle the scheduling, the emotional labor, and the thousand other unpaid tasks that make a life run smoothly?
These contributions are vital because they enable the earning partner to focus on their career. When he says, “it’s my money,” he renders all of your labor invisible and worthless. In effect, he is telling you that the only work that matters is the work that comes with a paycheck.
It Creates Financial Instability for You
This attitude is often the first step toward financial abuse. If he controls the money, for example, he can control your life. He might start giving you an “allowance” or questioning every single purchase you make, which can leave you feeling like a child, not an equal partner.
Moreover, this control can prevent you from saving your own money or having financial independence. In the event of a breakup or emergency, you could be left with nothing. It’s a precarious position no woman should ever be in.
It Reveals a Lack of a “Team” Mentality
Couples are supposed to be a team. Together, you share goals, dreams, and a life. The phrase “it’s my money,” however, is the opposite of a team mindset. It’s a statement of individuality that undermines the very foundation of your partnership.
A partner who thinks in terms of “mine” versus “yours” is not fully invested in the “we.” This attitude can spill over into other areas of the relationship. For instance, he may be less willing to compromise or support your personal goals because he sees them as separate from his own.
It Fosters Resentment and Secrecy
How can you feel like an equal when you’re treated like a dependent? Unsurprisingly, hearing this phrase repeatedly can breed deep resentment. You may start to feel powerless and angry, which can make you feel trapped in your own home.
Ultimately, this dynamic can lead to financial secrecy. For example, you might feel the need to hide small purchases or stash away cash. While this is a natural reaction to feeling controlled, it simultaneously erodes trust and intimacy, turning the relationship into a landscape of secrets and unspoken frustrations.
How to Address This Red Flag
If you hear these words, you must address them directly instead of letting the comment slide. Wait for a calm moment and explain how the phrase makes you feel. Be sure to use “I” statements, such as, “I feel hurt and devalued when you say, ‘it’s my money’ because my contributions to our life feel ignored.”
Then, suggest a new framework. Talk about family finances as “our money.” It may also be time to sit down and create a real budget together, where both partners have equal say. If he resists or dismisses your feelings, it might be time to consider professional help, like couples counseling, to address this control issue.
Your Financial Security Is Not a Luxury
In a true partnership, finances are a shared tool to build a life together. The phrase “it’s my money,” however, is a weapon used to create imbalance and control. It’s a dangerous red flag that signals a deep lack of respect for you and your contributions. Recognizing it for what it is—a form of financial and emotional control—is the first step to reclaiming your power.
Have you ever experienced this in a relationship? How did you handle it? Share in the comments.
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The post When He Says “It’s My Money”: The Dangerous Red Flag Women Can’t Afford to Ignore appeared first on Budget and the Bees.
