A few weeks ago, I wrote a column about infidelity in which I referred to “emotional infidelity” – what used to be called “an affair of the heart”. Just what does it mean to be emotionally unfaithful in a time when email, instant messaging and mobile phones give us more private ways to connect than ever before?
The obvious answer would be that emotional infidelity happens when you betray secrets that should be the property of a marriage to a close friend, usually of the opposite sex, or establish emotional bonds so strong that they rival those within the marriage. Also, a close friendship that you find yourself concealing details of – not mentioning meetings, or hiding text messages – would also constitute emotional infidelity as it undermines trust in your relationship with your partner.
Obviously, there are many matters that should be kept strictly within a marriage, or partnership. That much is straightforward. Other than this principle, the idea of emotional infidelity is real enough, but somewhat confused in its formulation. Friendships with high levels of emotional intimacy, particularly (I would venture) among women, are held in high regard as a valuable resource. Many women would probably not consider it a betrayal to occasionally discuss otherwise private matters with close female friends and would not consider it a Sapphic form of emotional infidelity.
I don’t really get the gender issue. Does it make a difference if you share secrets with a man or a woman? Does emotional infidelity always happen across genders in a heterosexual relationship? If it is with a person of the same sex, is that just deep friendship?
You certainly owe your partner emotional loyalty, but I do not know precisely how this is defined. There is no hard and fast rule, and I usually play it on a case-by-case basis. And I do not know under what circumstances the rule, if it is a rule, should be broken. For instance, if you are going through a hard time in your marriage, would talking about this to someone outside the marriage be emotional infidelity?
The real question is, why would you want to share intimate secrets with friends, of either sex, to someone outside of marriage or partnership? Doesn’t it suggest, in fact, that there is a problem of openness within the marriage? We all need emotional release just as we need physical release. Is using a third party for your emotional release a breach of trust or a reasonable response to a clogged-up emotional outlet?
Even if you do clearly break the rules and have an “emotional affair”, I’m still not quite sure that it’s the equivalent of having a physical affair. It’s regrettable, yes, and unwise – but at least one particular boundary remains in place. Because you can be sure that when physical intimacy takes place, it’s a double bust – in the betrayal of physical intimacy, emotional infidelity has already taken place.
If it’s true that close and intimate relationships with people outside your marriage may undermine it, it may also be true that close and exclusive partnerships tend to weaken friendships. And on the female side of the equation, where friendships have over the last generation or two been, in my view, highly idealised – or at least more idealised then men’s – it’s a tricky circle to square.
I have sometimes been unduly indiscreet about private matters – well, let’s be straight, my marriage – with other people with whom I have close relationships. Once I convinced myself it was valid, but now it is something I regret, and consider a failing on my part. I’ve got a big mouth, yet I would still say I’ve never had any real emotional affairs. But I’ve definitely had one-night stands. Hasn’t everyone?
