Beware the great black squid of the law
Ah, see how he rides majestically alongside the cliff’s edge for (almost) the last time! Oh, sorry, that isn’t actually Poldark (Sunday, BBC1). It’s a man who doesn’t trust the postal service and is using a crack in the rocks instead. Oh, I see, it’s Verity’s fancyman, aided and abetted by Demelza. And now he says they will be wed! Heavens. Meanwhile, Verity’s nasty brother is to get £1,200 he was not expecting and the girl who keeps trying to seduce the doctor whilst depriving her husband of baked goods is breathing heavily: “I have a thirst for learnin’.” Don’t we all? Turns out there is a high price for learnin’, though … This episode also contained the best line of dialogue so far: “’Tis not I wants minding, Ross.” (This turned out to be painfully true.) But nothing could make up for the fact that it will all be over soon (next week). How I will miss this slow-burning, beautifully made drama. Nothing to do with the captain. Of course.
The MasterChef judges need to be grilled properly
I am a fan of Alan Carr and of Chatty Man generally (Friday, Channel 4) so I am biased. I love his drinks trolley and his cheesy persona. I love his giant mouth. The show doesn’t have the polished feel or the classiness of Graham Norton but that’s exactly the point: Carr is the perfect late-night chat show for Channel 4. (And he’s hosting exactly the show Norton would host if this were 15 years ago.) But this week, for the first time, I got annoyed that one particular interview showed no insight and held no revelations. MasterChef’s John Torode and Gregg Wallace got off too lightly. Do they worry the standard of the show will ever slip? No. Do they have to eat anything horrible? Not really. They just about remembered liver poached in milk. Do they ever fall out over judging? No. Although it was obvious that this only happens because Gregg just lets John have the last say. Come on, hand these two over to Norton for a proper grilling.
Simon Cowell has his eye on the ‘little people’
Did anyone really believe that someone could make a dog sing? The new series of Britain’s Got Talent started in a blaze of ignominy (Saturday, ITV1) as it emerged that le petit chien chantant was being operated by some kind of remote-control face mask. I can’t believe anyone fell for this in the first place. We’ve all had our moments of enjoying this tomfoolery from time to time. But the manipulation of the audience and the contestants is now so clearly signposted and manufactured that I just can’t believe people are still able to stomach it. What’s with the miked-up audience members (either extremely photogenic or extremely unphotogenic, specially chosen for our “entertainment”)? There is no way that a camera could randomly capture these unguarded moments. They have to be rehearsed or scripted. Even the nine-year-old Irish girl who had to have the words “DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME” put up on screen during her performance did not appease me. (Though she is cool.) It had to be set up so that we expected Irish dancing, didn’t it? Exhausting. Also: did anyone else notice that Simon referred to “little people”? “They can be the villains and you can beat them up.” This is where we’re headed, people. Dwarf-throwing. Exploitative and fake, BGT is now the Katie Hopkins of talent contests.
Gogglebox is fighting back
Gogglebox has gone off the boil a bit lately. But there were some classics here. Especially Loveday on University Challenge, and Scarlett and family in this outing (Channel 4, Friday). The mother on Game of Thrones: “It’s like a sexy Dungeons & Dragons.” Scarlett: “Oh, Mum. Those words shouldn’t be in the same sentence.” I also loved this line from the newest couple, watching the Grand National: “The jockey colour is emerald green. Now, that’s going to be a problem for me. Because I’m colour blind.” Also: “I think all these things are better on telly.” “Yes.” It is more interesting, though, to see people “losing” the Grand National than to see them win £78. I’m not writing Gogglebox off just yet, although the weakest links are emerging. For me, the prize for Playing Up to the Camera So Much That We Can No Longer Watch are Posh Couple and (my previous all-time favourites) Sandy and Sandra. This makes me sad. I like to think it’s not their fault, it’s the producers’. I hope I’m right. At least I’m still with Leon. June: “You know what we’ll watch? Britain’s Got Talent.” Leon: “Oh. For. God’s. Sake.” And the comment of Posh Chicken-Owning Man in response to the death-defying rollerskating act: “Be careful. That’s enough.” If we’re talking about BGT, my thoughts exactly.
