A still from The Sound of Music
Bank holidays: famous in Britain for their rain, their overindulgence, and their ability to make every TV station swing wildly between launching exciting new programmes, and screening tired old stock. Sorry, "well-loved timeless classics". But apparently this bank holiday is shaping up to be a right let down, tradition-wise - it's hardly going to rain at all. It has no sense of tradition, climate change, it really hasn't.
Still, if you find yourself suddenly house-bound, can't bear to tear yourself away from the box for a second even though it is lovely outside and you've got four days off, or you simply have had too many Easter Eggs to eat, here are some of the low-calorie highlights being served up this weekend.
Today is a pitiful day for television, with the BBC making an nod to the religious holiday (Passover) by screening Moses cartoon The Prince of Egypt, and ITV2 making a nod to the fact that they don't seem to have anything in the coffers but classic crime, by screening a whole DAY of classic crime. If you're an enormous fan of Agatha Christie, then to ITV2 with you. Anyone else - I think that lawn needs mowing.
Saturday is lightentertainmentastic, as ITV launch its new theatrical talent-finding show, Grease Is The Word, which is remarkably similar to those How Do You Solve A Problem Like Andrew Lloyd Webber shows on the Beeb. Audience votes, 80s popstrel Sinitta and oddly-faced jungle boy David Gest will all be complicit in the search for a Danny and a Sandy for a new West End production. On the comparisons between the ITV and BBC shows, David Gest has what must be the quote of the week on the subject: "I think Grease has great songs. I don't think Joseph has as good songs. Not by far. Everybody knows. Screw it, Grease has great songs."
Meanwhile, Doctor Who continues apace and resolutely earth-bound with a trip back to visit William Shakespeare, and Vernon Kay sells his soul to Satan in the first Gameshow Marathon, with a trip back to visit classic gameshows of the 1970s. Oy vey.
Sunday, as always, is a bit of a duff day, televisually. As if by chance, though, many channels have chosen National Chocolate Overindulgence Weekend to show programmes and films detailing the crucifixion of Jesus of Nazareth, and the roots of the Christian Church etc. Leading the charge are BBC2 on Saturday, with King of Kings, while BBC1 have lots of Church-for-people-who-can't-leave-the-house/can't-find-the-remote on Sunday morning, and Channel 4 tops it all off with a documentary on the Turin Shroud (9pm) and Mel Gibson's bloodthirsty Passion of the Christ at 10pm. For those who like their murder mysteries more recent and less evangelical, everyone's bringing the big drama-guns out for the bank holiday weekend, with ITV screening their docudrama based on the disappearance of Peter Falconio, Murder in the Outback, and the BBC introducing their new 60s-based cop show (handily replacing Life on Mars, which ends on Tuesday), George Gently.
Ah, bank holiday Monday, now we're talking. Channel 4 kicks things off nicely first thing in the morning (well, at 12.35pm. What?! It's a bank holiday) with Easter Parade, a classic (and cracking) Fred Astaire/Judy Garland musical. Annoyingly, it ends 15 minutes after The Sound of Music begins, but you'll find away around that, I'm sure. The Sound of Music is on from 2.10pm till 4.30ish (well, it actually finishes at 4.55pm, but come on, no one watches the Nazi bit, do they? Really?)
In the evening, ITV1 roll out their new David Jason three-parter, Diamond Geezer (9pm), in which Jason (who can play any role as long as it contains the word "lovable" as a prefix) plays "lovable thief" Des, which is only one letter away from "lovable rogue" Del, and contains two of the same letters from "lovable detective" Inspector Frost. Coincidence? I think not.
Channel 4 have the premiere on terrestrial of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, recommended by almost every single listings magazine in a preview starting: "Even though it's a Jim Carrey film ..." On BBC2, in a treat for women of a certain age, a dissection of the content and influence of teen magazine Jackie. As a ratty teenager with a much cooler big sister, I used to march into her room every time she was entertaining cool friends (or boys) and announce that I was returning her cherished Jackie annuals because I knew she hated being without them for so long. I will be watching the retrospective with a sense of chagrin and the knowledge that I was a truly horrible little sister.
