The Doctor Who Christmas Special: already a tradition after such a short time?
Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse Due to early family feud-filled demise? No, tucked up on the sofa with Morcambe and Wise.
So the listings magazines have arrived, and it's time to sit down with a nice mug of mulled tea and several different colours of pen to draw circles around all the things that need watching / recording / not missing. Oh. Just my house? Ah well. From the end of my coloured pen to you, then - some of the highlights being offered up over the Christmas period on television - ignoring films for now, because they'll be more than capably covered elsewhere, I feel sure.
So starting the proceedings with Sunday 23rd ... I'm not sure whether it's a new thing, or a marked difference from previous years, Charles Dickens and the Invention of Christmas (BBC1, 3.40pm). Taking Dickens' A Christmas Carol as his starting point, the lovely, cuddly Griff Rhys Jones examine the differences between the rosy-hued "Victorian Christmas" and the commercial free-for-all we have today.
Another showing of Heston Blumenthal's Perfect Christmas on BBC2, this time closer to the day itself, so perhaps handier for picking up tips for the lunch itself two days later, but possibly with not enough notice now for you to run out and buy some kind of high-pressure foam-making machine and a blowtorch as powerful as a volcano.
For more cookery-based fun - as if you're not likely to be sitting about stuffing yourself with unwise stuff already, Stuffed - the Great British Christmas Dinner hits BBC4. Tries to sound a little more high brow by calling itself a "Timeshift documentary" but, let's face it, it will be a stream of familiar talking heads - albeit ones with higher brows, perhaps - saying things like "Pfff! Yeah! SPROUTS, eh? Don't you just hate them?!"
Richard Hammond meets Evel Knievel on BBC2 at 9pm. A timely screening after the death of daredevil rider Knievel in November, this is filmed before that, obviously, when he and everyone's favourite car-crash survivor met up at Knievel's three day crazy stuntacular to chew the daredevil fat, and swap tips and things. Always nice TV when people meet their childhood heroes. Particularly when they happen to be overgrown kids already like the lovely Mr Hamster.
On Christmas Eve, the obligatory showing of The Snowman (1.50pm ITV1) can make you feel like you've paid the obligatory visit to an aging relative with sagging graphics, but it does feel as familiar as slipping on an old dressing gown, so is worth it just for that. Or maybe just the first 10 minutes, until it gets a bit boring.
Carrying on with warbling things, 4.30-5.30 Pavarotti: A life in Seven Arias, celebrates the life of the opera singer who died earlier this year, followed by Carols From Kings, the service of Nine Lessons and carols from Kings College Chapel, which is about as traditional as you can get, surely. Although, of course, as it's the perfect soundtrack for making mince pies to, it's also on R4 earlier, and repeated on Radio 3 on Christmas Day.
Five show the first of the five daily Royal Institution Christmas Lectures this year presented by intensive care doctor and mountaineer Hugh Montgomery. Which is certainly more cerebral than Five's later effort - another part work running over consecutive nights, this time the Most Shocking Celebrity Moments of the 80s. Tomorrow, the 90s, and by boxing day you can find out either about the Most Shocking Celebrity Moments of the 00s - or discover what happens when you try and boil up your television with the remains of the turkey, whichever seems more appealing. I know what Heston would probably go for. I think I'm starting to get a bit obsessed with Heston. And in order to get around that, I could of course indulge in the whole evening of Gordon Ramsay being served up by Channel 4. Gordon making Christmas food, Gordon shouting at Americans, Gordon introducing Gordon's favourite clips of Gordon's own programmes from this year. Merry Gordonmas, everyone!
On BBC2 at 9pm, the BBC trawls through the televisual archives (mainly its own archives, to be fair) and attempts to deliver that big sack full of all the things that people perennially bring up when carping on about how brilliant Christmas Television used to be and how terrible everything is now. It's The Comedy Christmas, which will be great if only for the Morcambe and Wise clips - including the iconic "Andrew Preview" sketch. Hurrah. So in all probability, at least more consistent in giggles than A Christmas Bucket of French And Saunders (BBC1, 10.45).
"Oh look, I'm playing a celebrity who isn't fat and it's funny because I am fat!"
"And I am playing a celebrity who we think is quite common, but I am terribly posh, which is why this is supposed to be funny!"
Humph. I thought French and Saunders broke up, didn't they? I was promised they had broken up.
At least that way me might get some more of Dawn French's lovely interviews, like the one part of the Ken Dodd night on BBC2 (Arena, An Audience With..., Blankety Blank Christmas Special starring, Dawn French's More Boys Who Do: Comedy).
ITV hits out with a big flashy Drama - Christmas at the Riviera full of familiar faces and comedy cliches and quite possibly very comforting if you've spent Christmas Eve at the Sherry. Following the news, and undoubtedly more thoughtful, a look at how Christmas will be celebrated in present-day Bethlehem in Little Town of Bethlehem (ITV1, 11.15pm).
Rattling through Christmas day itself is easier. There is, as usual, nothing worth watching in the morning, leaving it free for the proper stuff of Christmas.
Hearty walks, presents, cooking and, for those of a formal traditionalist bent, church. It the afternoon, big family-friendly films reign supreme, with cartoon fish and singing child-gangsters clogging up each channel with a little break in the middle so Mrs Queen can wish all, her subjects (that's us, don't forget),A Virry Heppy Chrzmsss.
Followed by, in one case, a documentary about the Queen's Christmas message (ITV1, 3.10), and the 50th anniversary of such, the title of which: Lights! Camera! Queen! Makes it all sound a lot more Evel Knievel than it will probably turn out to be, sadly.
Soaps and Christmas, they go together like Wensleydale cheese and Christmas Cake (ie: well). It wouldn't be Christmas without a lot of shouting, recrimination and the occasional murder, but if you're unable to come round to my house, the traditional Christmas palaver will also be coming to a head with a double bill of Eastenders (6.20pm/8pm, BBC1) and a humdinger of a Corrie episode with, apparently "confusion over sexy underwear'" (oh, those crazy northerners) on ITV1.
And if you can't face actually watching them, you can always do the next best thing, and join Harry Hill for his Burping session, deconstructing Christmas TV.
Topping off the series of Strictly Come Dancing that concluded on Saturday, there's also a SCD Christmas Special, with the top couples from this year competing against past masters. In other reality programming, there's an hour-long Dragon's Den special, catching up with past entrepreneurs (which is just odd).
Meanwhile, for those who want a little more drama, there's always the second half of that David Copperfield on UKTV Drama (they missed a trick not putting it on Dave), or the second half of Sky One's 2006 adaptation of Terry Pratchett's Hogfather (Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, 8pm)
I've got this far without mentioning it. The pinnacle of Christmas family programming, or so hope the BBC, will be the new episode of Doctor Who (BBC1, 6.50pm) guest starring Kylie Minogue.
What do you mean you already know? Been shoved down your throat by the never-ending Doctor Who Press Machine (and us, yes) for the last six months non-stop, you say? Oh alright. It's still exciting, mind.
After that, as the blood sugar levels drop and the heady cocktail of excess kicks in, it's possibly best to crack open any gift DVDs that might have be lying around.
Unless of course, you are that one person who has been "eagerly anticipating" the new episode of To The Manor Born. All the advance publicity keeps claiming the programme to be "eagerly anticipated" by someone. If this is you, congratulations, it's here.
Boxing Day, it must be said, does a good line in ballet TV. Oh, and royalty. But mainly ballet, because there was a lot of ballet yesterday as well. Because as we all know, when the Christ Child was born to a virgin in a stable, he popped out wearing a tutu. And Mary was STILL meek and mild.
So the Beeb has Ballet Shoes, some adaptation of a popular children's novel about ballet. Darcey Bussell goes through her ten best ballet moments on BBC4 straight after that.
During the day, the special week of Deal or No Deal Christmas Stars continues (3.25, C4), where Noel is taking carers, cancer survivors and other people with brave and touching stories, and giving them a chance to win some money (or, and this is the thing that worries me, surely the chance that they WON'T win any money and have to go back to their difficult lives about £3 richer).
SKY One is all Simpsons, all the time - well, from about 5.30-9pm every night that week, which might not be as touching as watching people with terminal diseases walk away from Noel's chancefest with nothing, but it certainly will be funnier. And if you're still up terribly late, the Mighty Boosh Live gets an outing on BBC3 at 11.55.
And on it goes. Extras on the 27th, The History Boys on the 28th, Prime Suspect, and as many James Bond films as you can shake a stick at. Not stir a stick at, no no, Shake a stick at. Get it? Oh.
There's a veritable mountain of television, basically. But I can't go into it. My coloured pens have run out.
